Dispatches: September 2018

Sunday, September 30, 2018

9/30/2108 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 19 minutes ago

"Joanne's" piano was played for the first time in last Sunday's service, which I missed. Today I got to hear it for the first time when S S led the congregation in singing Beautiful Savior. How appropriate was that for my first introduction to its sound? It brought thoughts of Joanne and her connection to that special hymn.
How many time in her 82 years did she hear, sing or direct Beautiful Savior? Growing up, as she did at St. Anthony Park Lutheran, she heard and sang it, she sang in the choir at Minnehaha Academy which also likely used it, also at Concordia College she would have heard and sung it, and no doubt her choir in the American Lutheran Church, Oslo sang it. The choir at Augustana Academy, where she taught, was famous for its rendition of Beautiful Savior. When she directed the choir at First Lutheran, St. Louis Park, likely they sang it. Teaching at Augustana College would also have exposed her to it in the daily chapel services. For 40 years she sat in the pews or choir lofts of the congregations I served...more Beautiful Savior. Choral concerts often included it.
Too bad there wasn't a tally of the hundreds...thousands?...of times she heard, sung or directed it.
She would be so pleased with the piano and S S' delight in it. May God bless her memory.

Blessings,

9/29/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 22 hours ago

Today I was blessed with two special joys in this land I inhabit. P & RA L, came for a visit from the land of big waters...think Pacific Ocean. We're long time friends and were blessed to be neighbors in ND...they were in Berthold while we were in Mohall. We've never lived in proximity since they left Berthold, but the qualities that drew us together initially sustain our friendship even as we are geographically separated. They brought a picture in which many were gathered at their house in 1971?, which sparked many memories. Of all those in that picture, Joanne is the only one who has died. It is good to share memories and grief with those who also loved Joanne.
Tonight I was present with our granddaughter's at bedtime. When Joanne was living this was an opportunity that gave her immeasurable joy. To have them minutes away is a huge blessing and one for which I am deeply grateful. Life in this land has joy which is real and present even as I wrestle with profound sadness. Fascinating how joy and sadness co-exist.

Gratefully,

Al

Friday, September 28, 2018

9/28/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 25 minutes ago

Over the years I've gotten a lot of mileage out of the mid-west Scandinavian complements "not so bad" and "it could be a lot worse." If I focus on the positives in the 'Land of Grief' I would have honestly say "it could be a lot worse" though this is not as a compliment via the negative. Counting my blessings reminds me I have many.
After living in a variety of places far away my children are in town. Regular contact with them is a gift I do not take for granted. Friends have been frequently mentioned on these pages. Life in 'the land of grief' without them is unimaginable. Resources are not an issue and allow me to find meaning in giving. There are no health issues that plague me. Memory ability has not changed significantly, I've always been a bit of an absent minded professor, and that hasn't changed. 😉 Grace University Lutheran is a faith community, a home, that I hate to miss.
Life would be altogether grand, except for the presence of absence, which permeates every place and every thing. There is a sadness that resides with me that cannot be denied. In the midst of that sadness I am profoundly grateful for the gifts enumerated above. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

Blessings,

Al

See marker mentioned yesterday.

9/26/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 26, 2018

Joanne did some volunteering in a hospice program. When I was going through some of her files I came across some material from that hospice. In a booklet, Healing Grief, Fifth Edition, by Amy Hillyard Jensen, under a section, "Build on your memories," were these points;
> "Enter into your loved one's work or interests...."
> "Write. If you have the ability, write in a way that is influenced by or dedicated to the memory of the one you loved."
>"Give money...."
>"Laugh. Recall the humorous times and laugh about them. Some people will disapprove if you laugh 'too soon,' but it's not disrespectful. Remembering with laughter is helpful."

Well two out of four is not bad. 😉 This compulsion to write baffles me...I don't understand it, but maybe I stumbled unto something. Perhaps someday I'll go back and read all I've written and some insights will be revealed. There have been many learnings in 'the land of grief' and I doubt I would be as cognizant of them had I not written.
It appears that others also find my writing helpful. For those who knew and loved Joanne this is an on-going invitation to walk with me in 'the land of grief.'
Humor had not abandoned me. That, for me is a sign of hope, hope that I will ultimately thrive, however sad, in the 'land of grief' living with the 'presence of absence'.

Blessings

Al

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

9/25/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 20 minutes ago

The china cabinet stands as it has since we moved. There have been only minor changes inside it in the ten years of living here. In it are pieces of crystal and cut glass, awards, candle sticks, and a variety of statues. Some of the items are heirlooms passed down in the family from those who have gone before us.
As I contemplated the cabinet tonight it seemed to mock me. It's presence reminding me of the contrast between the perceived value of its contents when Joanne was alive and how hollow those items seem now that I am alone. Remembering how valuable much of that once seemed, I ache in recognizing how unimportant they seem now.
Over the last years of my mother's life she enjoyed giving away much of what she'd accumulated. I had hoped we could do that when Joanne was in hospice. She had little interest in doing that, and, her stay in hospice was so brief, we gave away very little. Now I'm haunted by the reminders; what once seemed so valuable but now doesn't, and, how little use I have for them in my life in the land of grief.
Learn from me friends, value is found in relationships.

Blessings,

Al

Monday, September 24, 2018

9/24/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 27 minutes ago

Recently I wrote "the best thing about me is my friends." That is so true, and I am beyond grateful for you all! L.L., sent me this 'thought for the day.' "Joy is the gift of love." "Grief is the price of love." Yes! That is my experience.
Joanne and I had much joy in our lives and in our relationship. I used to tease her that 'we had 48 years of married bliss and 48 out of 50 is not bad." Of course there were hours, days, moments now and then that were not blissful. But, in our years, joy often masqueraded as peace and contentment. Some times were pure exuberant joy, but more often we were happy and at peace.
That peace was internal. A recent study of personality showed that most people as the age move toward greater maturity. In our case that maturity also facilitated a more mature, joyful relationship of peace and contentment. The peace was also relational between two who loved each other deeply.
The 'land of grief' has revealed the price of love, as I live in the presence of absence. Sometimes I feel kind of wimpy, as I learn of much more difficult, tragic and sudden deaths. "Why am I feeling so sorry for myself?" I think. We had 55 years, Joanne died peacefully and a fount of gratitude. She completed her 'bucket list' of messages.
Yes, the pain could be worse, much worse and this knowledge contributes to the well of gratitude within me. Blessings abound to me, even in this 'land of grief.'

Blessings,

al

9/23/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 23, 2018

Going to church twice today bears a bit of explaining. It began with attending Nokomis Heights Lutheran Church to participate in a service of healing, at the invitation of T. F. That service began a half hour earlier than what I'm accustomed to at Grace University Lutheran. Surrounded by a number of T. F,'s, friends it was good to share in that community. Coffee following the service brought more conversations about Joanne, which are always meaningful to me.
As I drove away from the church I realized that Grace would now just be adjourning to coffee hour. "What have I to go home to?" I thought, so off to Grace's coffee hour I went. OK, OK, you could say that's not going to church twice, but if you want to quibble.... Joining my usual table at Grace for coffee, they regaled me with stories of the new piano and how S. S., music director, organist, pianist, had made it sing. It would have been nice to hear the inaugural use of it, but I'm tickled that it's in place, and, I was where I wanted and needed to be.
The excitement over the new piano is heightened for me by knowing how pleased Joanne would be. Perhaps I'll never see it nor hear it without thinking of her. It is truly a fitting memorial as was the $11,000+ given in her memory for LSS Homeless Youth Program. Ah, yes, more that I would like to tell her.

Blessings,

Al

9/22/2018 Caring Bridge

WITH 1000 OF JOANNE'S CLOSEST FRIENDS

Tonight was the Annual LSS Gala. Joanne loved LSS, that event, and, she would have loved tonight. There were many stories of how LSS is changing people's lives. While Joanne was in hospice LSS presented her the Changing Lives Award. R. A., who has been very involved with LSS for many years, had a 'Joanne story.' He said many years ago Joanne said to me "You need to be at the LSS Gala." He went and has been involved ever since. R. credits Joanne with starting him in fund raising.
Tonight stories were told, people were greeted and money was raised; over a million dollars. The love and respect for Joanne came through the greetings. There were those she hired when she worked at LSS, others with whom she served on the board and others she knew from other places. Several saw my name tag and said "Oh, you're Joanne's husband." This reminded me of the times I would attend her events and introduce myself as "I'm Mr. Joanne." 😀
So it is in the land of grief where I live with the presence of absence.

Blessings,

Al

Friday, September 21, 2018

9/21/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — a minute ago

You know the old adage about not seeing the forest for the trees? That's my situation in relationship to my grief. Where am I in the process? What's different now from a few months ago? How am I changing? I'm not in a good position to know. So enter friends, and one who knows me well, and has walked with me through this whole experience, in an email today, shared this perspective.
" I see you moving gently and intentionally into a new way of being. I would compare it to traveling; you entered the land of grief, you didn't want to be there, it was never on your bucket list, but you got dumped in the land of grief. You could be bitter, depressed, angry, etc., but your emotional maturity/differentiation says let's explore this land of grief, instead. So you started to explore grief thorough your CB posts. Since you can't leave grief land you are accepting this new home and establishing yourself. This settling in includes, establishing the condo as your home, teaching, traveling, being social, etc., and establishing new norms. I'm guessing there will be times you will resent being in grief land, but your maturity/differentiation says 'I don't like it but her I am let's make it work'. The grief is still real but the vessel you hold the grief in is getting bigger."
There are several things I like about this observation. First. I like the metaphor (?) of 'the land of grief'. That's an image to remember. The idea of exploring my grief via CB posts rings true to me. Then there is the final sentence, "The grief is still real but the vessel you hold the grief in is getting bigger." One of the best things about me is my friends and this is a perfect illustration of that sentiment!

Blessings,

Al

Thursday, September 20, 2018

9/20/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — a minute ago

Joanne needn't have worried that I'd withdraw and become a hermit. Her concern stemmed from the times she'd be ready to do something social and I'd be reluctant. It was the ultimate extrovert living with the introvert. Circumstances change. The most difficult time for us was in the earlier years of our marriage when she was a 'stay at home mom.' My work kept me involved with people so I'd yearn for quiet time at home to empty my 'people bladder'. But, she would long for socializing with adults after a day at home with the children. When we were both working full time some of that tension was eased.
Circumstances change. Living alone, as I do now, creates a whole different dynamic. I've always needed people, but I've always also needed my time with people to be balanced with time alone...to "empty my people bladder" as I say. 😀 Recognizing my need for people I've engaged in an active social life since Joanne's death because she's not here to help me fill that need. . Take today for an example; first, I had breakfast with a friend, then I taught school for an hour and a half, this was followed by lunch with another friend and then the day was completed with dinner with three friends. Each of those engagements was very satisfying and after them I was ready to be home alone.
As I've frequently mentioned the hardest part is not being able to share them with Joanne, i.e., the after.

Blessings,

Al

9/19/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 22 hours ago

For many years Joanne and I listened to 'The Morning Show' on MPR while having breakfast. The show was hosted by Dale Connolly and Jim Ed Poole. It was folksy with 'campy' music and good natured banter between the hosts. A CD was produced, called 'Keepers', which featured the most popular songs from the show.
Since Joanne's death I typically eat breakfast at home as I read the morning paper. To fill the quiet of this time I have been systematically playing through our collections of CDs. Today, for the first time in years, I played 'Keepers'. That's all it took to make the tears flow as I remembered the house and life we occupied in Golden Valley, from 1988-2010. I could visualize the kitchen and the library that housed the stereo. I could see Joanne and I enjoying the music...think Prairie Home Companion, genre...and the friendly kitsch of the hosts.
It was more than memories of breakast time that brought the tears. The whole experience of living those years in that house was symbolized by 'Keepers'. We had very good years there. Joanne, whom I teased about being vocationally unstable, had 5 jobs in that time; LSS MN, MSSA, LSA, LSS SD and LWR. (Confused about those initials? A hint "L" stands for Lutheran.) While she had those jobs I held forth at St. James. Both of us retired while living there. Many of you were in that home.
Grief is sneaky...it pops up when I least expect it. At other times, when I anticipate difficulty, there is none.

Blessings,

Al

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

9/18/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 13 minutes ago

In the same article by Alvin Rogness that I quoted last night he went on to say, this 21 years after Paul's death: "The grief that struck with such wrenching pain, though now diminished in intensity, has remained like a minor chord among the more jubilant majors of our lives. Life lost some of its merriment and mirth, but we now know sorrow as a natural and not an ugly ingredient in life. To love is human and to grieve is human, and they belong together. We do not want to reject either." Alvin Rogness The Word For Every Day "if I never would have loved, I never would have cried" the song says. So true, but if this grief is the price of having loved Joanne, it is a small price to pay. As Rogness says we do not want to reject either love or grief.

Blessings,

Al

9/17/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 22 hours ago

"After one of my classmates dropped in is tracks for a heart attack at his church in Portland, Oregon, another classmate wrote me of the funeral. He said 'They told me it was a triumphant service, but I only wanted to cry.'
In the last decade or two the churches have had a veritable epidemic of 'celebrating' every life event with joy and triumph, as if grief does not belong in the repertoire of the Christian. The disposition to emphasize victory may be a subtle compensation for the pessimism that infects our age. But grief, remorse, fear, and even anger are marks of our humanity. To celebrate when we should grieve is a denial of being human. The writer in Ecclesiastes says, 'For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...a time to weep, a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance.'" Alvin Rogness The Word For every Day This is an excerpt of a longer article I received from a friend today. Rogness was president of the seminary while I was a student and preached at my ordination 50 years ago. He goes on to tell about his family's grief when his son Paul, was killed as a pedestrian ten minutes from home after two years of study in as a Rhodes Scholar in England. Paul and Joanne were good friends and Joanne remembered distinctly where she was when she received word of Paul's death.
Rogness words ring true to my experience with Joanne's death. Grief, yes...triumph? not so much.

Blessings,

Al

9/16/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 16, 2018

Music was a very important part of Joanne's life. How old she was when she began studying piano I don't know, but she was giving my cousin piano lessons while she was still in high school. At Concordia College she studied organ with Ms. Berge. (Someone correct me if I'm wrong about this.) She could sight read music well at the keyboard and when she led singing from piano or organ she gave firm leadership, though she kept this keyboard ability a secret from the churches I served 😉. Choral music was also part of her repertoire. When she was in Norway with her father, founding the American Lutheran Church, Oslo, she directed the choir. During graduate school at the University of Minnesota she was hired as choir director of First Lutheran Church, St. Louis Park. At Zion Lutheran, Mohall, ND., she directed the youth choir. Singing in the the choirs at St. James Lutheran, and Grace University Lutheran gave her joy. Attending orchestra, choir and other concerts and recitals were important to her.
During her days in hospice she requested that Grace University Lutheran Church be one of the recipients of money given as a memorial in her memory. After her death when we learned that Grace was in need of a new piano it seemed an obvious choice for the use of that memorial money. Had she known of the need I'm convinced it is what she would have chosen.
The piano, a Brodmann, has been chosen and will be delivered on Wednesday. It will be dedicated at a special musical offering on All Saint's Sunday, November 4. At that service Joanne's name will be read with the names of all the saints who have died this year. This convergence, of the piano's arrival, and it's dedication on the day Joanne will be remembered is deeply satisfying. She would be so pleased and happy that her memorial money could be a part of the purchase.
Each time I see and/or hear that piano I will be reminded of Joanne and her gift of music...music that gladdened her life, and music that she made that gladdened others.
Yes, blessings abound!

Blessings,

Al

9/15/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 15, 2018

No, Joanne has not "appeared" to me in a dream. There have been a few times she's been along with me in a dream but not in any remarkable way. That is,until last night when she was the main character in a dream acting very 'Joanne like.'
The setting was a room that was ringed with desks, office type desks. All of the desks were positioned so that those who sat at the desk had their back to the wall and faced the center of the room. Joanne entered the room and seemed to be sort of like a vice-president, the second in command. In the absence of the 'president' she quickly took charge and had all the desks,including the 'president's', turned so that those sitting at them would be facing the wall. In this position they would turn to face anyone in the room without the barrier of a desk between them. The 'president' entered and found his desk re-positioned, but made no objection. Thus ended the dream.
In life, Joanne never thought that desks should be positioned as a barrier between persons. She always positioned her desk so that she could turn and talk face to face, not across a desk. The dream was true to her values and also her leadership. She was acting like the Joanne I knew and loved.

Blessings,

Al

9/14/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 14, 2018

Five months ago I could not have written most what has appeared on this blog. Well, duuuh! OK, OK, of course I couldn't. But it's fascinating to me that some of what I write is new to me even as I write it. Last night I wrote about Joanne's burial community. The power of that really only came home to me yesterday.
The thought began to form a few days ago. In a phone call with my second cousin, who is a niece of Clifford Dahl who is buried only a few feet from Joanne, the meaning of that proximity began to dawn on me. Today, with several hours on a tractor, I kept thinking about how fortunate we are to have access to this cemetery. When I visit Joanne's grave, after I've spent time with her, I wander (prowl) around. Many of those buried there are known to me, others I know the family to which they belong, and there are a few strangers.
Walking about the cemetery puts Joanne's death in context. Many of those buried there lived much shorter lives than she. Many families buried children and some several. Reading the inscriptions reminds me of the abundance of grief in this life. While my grief is unique, i.e., it is mine, we all suffer loss. Our society with its denial of death does us no favors.
Joanne was very clear that she wanted to buried in Sinai. Several of her friends reported that she'd told them this. It meshed with my preference, and with the blessings of our children, there was not debate. Now, as the significance of this choice becomes ever more clear to me, I wish I could ask her why she made this choice.

Blessings,

al

9/13/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 13, 2018

Today was my first visit to Joanne's grave in a month. Soon the marker should be placed. Visiting her grave confirms the decision to have a traditional funeral and burial in SD. There is something about having a place to go with my sorrow that is helpful, and the tangibility of her place in the earth makes me focus. Naturally, there is a side of me that would embrace denial, sometimes that seems as if it would be easier. The better side of me knows that denial would not honor Joanne, nor help me. Standing at her grave strips away any denial that may have crept in.
The local cemetery is also a form of community. The people buried near her are not strangers, they are people I knew, and there is even comfort in that. Clifford Dahl, is buried six feet from Joanne. His brother married my cousin. Very near is his sister Doris (Dahl) Skordahl. In college I rented a room from Doris and her husband and she was my Luther League adviser. Yes, Joanne is among friends. I take comfort wherever I can find it.
Joanne is also with family; in the same plot as my grandparents Lars and Sigrid Negstad. Both of whom died before I was born. With Joanne in their proximity I feel more connected to them. What would they think, if they knew that their grandson's wife, and eventually their grandson, would rest next to them?

Blessings,

al

9/12/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 12, 2018

Joanne took birthdays seriously. It took me awhile to learn that birthdays were not only important, but were best celebrated on the day of the birth. This was not the pattern in my parental home where birthdays were observed in a low key way. Joanne loved birthday parties, well truth be told, she loved any opportunity to celebrate. She could always be counted on for adding zest to any birthday gathering.
Today is L's birthday and we gathered as a family for dinner. The food was good, as was the time together as a family. It would be less than honest to say that we weren't a bit subdued in the presence of absence. I just do not posses the 'sparkle' which Joanne had. But what can we do? We do our best and travel on, minus so much of the heart for us all.
With that said, I do need to remark the gift it is to me to have my family so geographically proximate. Yes, I am blessed.

Blessings,

Al

9/11/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 11, 2018

Today as I was riding the light rail train from near my condo to the VA Hospital for a hearing test, (I flunked) I observed a number of students also riding. My mind went back to stories that Joanne told about commuting to high school by street car. Walking a few blocks from her home on Commonwealth Ave., in the St. Anthony Park neighborhood in St. Paul, she would catch the Minneapolis streetcar at its terminus. She would then ride to Minnehaha Academy, where she attended high school.
Most of the details of that commute have been lost to me; with whom did she ride? Did she always walk to the streetcar? How far was the stop from the Academy? Obviously these are not the most momentous questions I might ask. They are just another reminder of the limits of my information and the loss of opportunity to ask.
A gentle reminder to readers out there; ask while you can!

Blessings,

Al

9/10/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 10, 2018

In a couple of days it will be five months since Joanne died. In many ways my life is achieving a new "normal." Today I returned to school. More teachers wanted their best readers to receive enrichment so I have 5th or 6th grade reading groups at 9:30, 10:00, 10:30, 11:00, and 11:30. It's good to be back at Noble Academy where I've volunteered for 8 (?) years. This year I reduced the days I volunteer from 5 days a week to 4, giving me Friday off. It is very satisfying and the delight on the faces of 4, 5th graders I had last year as we resumed reading, now with them in 6th, was priceless. This is one of the activities that gives my life meaning in my retirement.
While blessings and opportunities for me abound, I am troubled. The distance from Joanne's life, as time passes since her death, makes me uneasy. It doesn't seem proper that she is past, and with each passing day, more distant. On the one hand, I know that it is inevitable, but that does not mean that I like it, nor that it feels right. What more can I say about this? I don't know...it's what I feel.

Blessings,

Al

9/9/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 9, 2018

One of the gifts of growing older is the maturation of friendships. Friendships since 1959, and 1980, have had a long time to ferment; so many shared memories, a myriad of stories, common experiences, mutual friends, a depth of trust, remembrances of when we were not at our best long forgiven with grace and charity. My 11th annual Iowa tour bathed me in the balm of the compassion of long time friends. What a gift! Yes, I am blessed.
The presence of absence on my return is powerful. There were 10 Iowa tours with Joanne and now, 1 solo. Had she stayed behind for some reason as I toured we would have talked for hours when reunited. Trygve, the world's best dog, is a welcoming presence, but...... I ache for the conversation that cannot be.

Blessings,

Al

9/8/22018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 8, 2018

There's a dissonance that may just be the new reality of my life. Today, for an example, I've had a delightful day with friends; good food, good conversation, good memories, good companionship. It has been very satisfying for me, and yet; it's incomplete...it even seems unfair...unfair that Joanne is missing it. This leads to a deep ache as I realize what she's missing and how this is only the beginning of so much that she will miss. She would have enjoyed everything about this day. But, she's dead...and I'm not. Why? Why wasn't I more attentive to her, to our life together, to the passage of time?
Yes, but in spite of my grief I do recognize that I am blessed.

Blessings,

Al

9/7/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 7, 2018

Who ever heard of such a thing? Co-pastors, who began as strangers, becoming good friends? When I moved to Davenport, IA, early in 1980, it was with high hopes, but, perhaps with a bit of naivety, about being a co-pastor. Perhaps only a fool would think it would be easy. But, nevertheless we persisted. With the help of an excellent consultant and our own serious commitment K and I, formed an effective team that worked together for 8 years. Now, 38 years later, we remain good friends.
Not only did we work well together, our wives and children, who were approximately the same age, bonded. The years in Davenport yielded good friends, whom I am now visiting in Iowa City, as a part of my 11th annual IA tour. Yes, I am so gifted.
When we moved to Davenport, Joanne was hired as a counselor in the Western Illinois Office of Lutheran Social Service, officed in Moline. When the director of that office resigned Joanne was made director. This began her ascent through the ranks of Lutheran Social Service organizations.
Yes, yes, her absence is very present on this tour, but then, it always is.

Blessings

Al

9/6/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 6, 2018

No, it's not that I have so many gifts, but that so many have been given to me! Blessed to be born into a wonderful family who would have thought that my time in the Marines would have given me life-long friends? E and I bonded on the bus on the way from boot camp in Dec. 1959. Many people have military friends from whom they eventually drift apart. Perhaps this would have been true of E and me but.......
We had stayed in touch with occasional visits back and forth, Christmas letters and the like, but then there was huge a change. 18 years after my discharge I moved to Davenport, IA., about 25 miles from E's farm. From 1980 to 1988 we were neighbors. This meant we had time together; Joanne and E's wife, M.J., quickly became close friends and confidants. Their three children and our two were appoximately the same age, and with that proximity to them as they grew up, I feel I have a real relationships with them.
Staying with them on the farm reminds me of what a gift it was to our relationship, and to my life, that circumstances brought us into that poximity. I am so gifted. It might have happened that Joanne and M.J., were not compatible but instead they totally enjoyed each other. Of course that made every encounter between us doubly meaningful. E and I have been friends for 59 years, how sweet is that?
E is recupperating from shoulder replacement surgery. This is not optimum for a farmer approaching harvest. It is not possible for him to climb into his tractors because, being huge, new, and modern, they have ladders. To keep the batteries charged and the systems functional it is important that they be started from time to time. Even with my antique tractors I start them at least once a year. Today E had me start his tractors...it was like giving a kid free candy in a candy shop. My largest tractor has 60 horse power...E's largest? 390 horse power. I'm always happy to help! 😀

Blessings,

9/5/2108 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Sep 5, 2018

When I retired in 2007, I suggested to Joanne, that we should travel to Iowa to visit friends who'd often come to see us while I worked weekends. That is what we did. The first stop was in Decorah to see J, Joanne's college roommate. From there we drove south to to see my Marine buddy and his wife near Davenport, E & MJ, on their farm. Next it was on to Iowa City, to see K, with whom I'd worked for 8 years at Zion, Davenport, and K's wife B. All of these folks are mutual friends of Joanne and me.
So, not wanting to abandon this tradition, nor the connection with these important people, I'm now with E & MJ. After lunch in Decorah with J, I continued the accustomed trip solo. The route is practiced and familiar. Anyone who thinks that IA is not scenic likely has not visited eastern IA. Even in the steady rain it was a pretty drive today. Of course it was lonely as I passed the familiar landmarks without Joanne's presence..."see the...look at that...there's a horse and buggy."
Nevertheless, here I am, and I'm glad I came. As C. S. Lewis said that absence is everywhere and no place more that any other. Therefore, to be with those who loved her, grieve her loss and willingly talk about her is a gift. Yes, I am fortunate.

Blessings,

Al

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

9/4/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 1 minute ago

Today I was at lunch with a friend who remarked, "For an introvert, you certainly have a busy social life." This is true, I am one, and, I do. Joanne's fears that I'd become a social isolate were totally unfounded. Not that there was any danger and I knew there was not.
An introvert gains energy from being alone while and extrovert is energized by being with others. Her comment, today over lunch, prompted a bit of reflection, which led to an insight which was new to me. As an introvert I have a limited 'people bladder,' and when it is full, I need to be alone. Living with Joanne, the quintessential extrovert, tended to keep my 'people bladder' filled. Consequently, going out to socialize had less appeal for me. But, I do need people, and to meet that need, I maintain an active social life which I thoroughly enjoy. Then, when the social engagement is complete, I retire happily to be alone with my 'people bladder' filled. There I find my equilibrium until it is time to re-engage with others.
This in no way contravenes what I wrote yesterday about the after. Repairing to my home I'd love to share with Joanne from my social life. The presence of absence in the after, remains excruciating.

Blessings,

Al

Monday, September 3, 2018

9/3/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 22 minutes ago

"At first I was very afraid of going places where H. and I had been happy--our favorite pub, our favorite wood. But I decided to do it once--like sending up a pilot again as soon as possible after he'd had a crash. Unexpectedly, it makes no difference. Her absence is no more emphatic in those places than anywhere else. It's not local at all. I suppose that if one were forbidden all salt one wouldn't notice it much more in one food than another. Eating in general would be different, every day, every meal. It is like that. The act of living is different all through. Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed, p.11
This rings very true of my experience. One place seems no harder than another. Being alone in our condo is not harder that being anywhere else. The hardest time is the time after; after the reunion, after the conversation, after the surprise obituary, after the phone call, after the lunch....... Why is the "after" so difficult? It was during the afterthat we talked, shared, processed, compared notes, and observations. The presence of absence in the after is severely acute. There is no one who sees, thinks, interacts, observes, reflects, responds, as Joanne did. Her death gave me an irreplaceable loss which powerfully felt in the after.

Blessings,

Al