Dispatches: July 2018

Monday, July 30, 2018

7/30/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — a minute ago

"My grandmother had always referred to the universe as the Great Mystery.
'What does it mean?' I asked her once.
'It means all things.'
'I don't understand.'
She took my hand and sat down on a rock at the water's edge. 'We need mystery,' she said. 'Creator in her wisdom knew this. Mystery fills us with awe and wonder. They are the foundations of humility, and humility, grandson, is the foundation of all learning. So we do not seek to unravel this. We honor it by letting it be that way forever." Richard Wagamese, Indian Horse, p. 65
A dear friend was frequently called into consult in foreign countries with very different cultures from his own. He rather inelegantly reported that, in those situations, he would self identify as "a dumb shit." From that perspective, he'd invite the people of those cultures to be his teachers. It was a very wise move because, as 'grandmother' said 'humility...is the foundation of all learning.' How true...ever tried explaining something to a 'know it all'?
After, almost eight decades of life, and thirty nine years of congregational ministry I did know something about grief. This knowledge assisted in making some good decisions during Joanne's illness, death and after. However, that knowledge is nothing compared to what I've learned since she died. May I be humble enough to learn what this experience has to teach me. Often I've said there is a world of difference between twenty years of experience and one year of experience repeated twenty times. Humility has never been my strong suit, is it too late to learn?

Blessings,

Al

Sunday, July 29, 2018

7/29/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 27 minutes ago

In a previous post I wrote about Joanne's service on governing boards. Augustana College's (now University) Board of Regent's was her first major board. Serving on the Regent's for twelve years was a wonderful education for her on how boards function. These learnings served her well, both when she served on other boards and when she recruited board members for agencies she was leading.
A chance encounter this morning at church gave me a glimpse of how Joanne functioned when she served on boards. D. C., was visiting Grace Lutheran this morning and she had a 'Joanne on a board' story. D. C., was recruited to run for a seat on the Luther Seminary Board, with the understanding that she had little chance of being elected, but the recruiter wanted a woman on the ballot. Much to everyone's surprise D. C. was elected.
Before her first board meeting she carefully read the board materials and did her best to come prepared. Her first encounter with the board didn't go well. Male members, who obviously hadn't read the materials, dominated the floor and she found herself discounted.
At the first break in the meeting Joanne took D. C. and,accompanied by another female board member, they went to the woman's caucus room, also know as the women's restroom. In the privacy of that place Joanne gave D. C. a quick tutorial on board procedure which included these points: don't take anything personally, stand your ground, do not be intimidated. D. C., said "It saved my life." I knew Joanne and D. C. were really bonded but I didn't know how it happened.
Joanne would often talk about board meetings afterward. However, what she talked about was about the issues and the decisions. She said little about the process, the obstacles she had to overcome or any discrimination she faced. D. C. said nothing intimidated Joanne. That's no surprise to me. She also had a gift for making her case directly but without attack.
While I was very grateful for the brief conversation with D. C., and her report of Joanne at work on a board, it left me wishing I knew more about her board experiences. What kind of discrimination did she encounter? There is so much I don't know.

Blessings,

Al

7/28/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 23 hours ago

Not long after we moved to our house in Golden Valley, MN. Joanne became acquainted with the four year old girl next door. I think it was love at first sight. This girl, having no surviving grandmothers asked Joanne if she would be her "neighborhood grandmother?" Joanne thought that was a wonderful idea. Often Joanne was blessed with a visit from her "granddaughter" who often brought another girl with her. This was very special to Joanne, who had no biological grandchildren of her own at the time.
Every May Day this "granddaughter" would bring Joanne a May Basket. These annual May Baskets would appear, all through the girl's elementary and high school years. After high school she attended the University of Wisconsin, Milwaukee and still, every year, a May Basket. At some time the baskets morphed into flowers which would arrive May 1.
After graduating from the University, said granddaughter moved to Washington, D.C., to teach in the inner city, with no interruption of May 1, flowers. Imagine Joanne's delight! The next stop for this adventuresome woman was a year in Paris, France, and still the May 1st flowers arrived. This year the flowers arrived shortly after Joanne died. A fitting tribute to this adopted grandma.
The granddaughter's name? You guessed it, Rose. Rose and Jeff were married this evening surrounded by a host of family and friends. Oh, Joanne would have so loved to have been present. It was hard to go alone, knowing what it would have meant to her to be there. It was hard enough to there alone, that I almost fled. Meeting dear friends from the neighborhood, at the wedding made it possible for me to stay. I'm so glad I did.
Mark, the father of the bride, talked about "Grandma Joanne" in his speech. He said that "within three days of the delivery of the basket/flowers Rose would receive a thank you note from Joanne." Yes, she learned to write thank you notes from her father and she sent them quickly. Rose, this fine young woman, is another one touched and blessed by Joanne, even as Rose blessed Joanne for 25? years.

Blessings,

Al

7/27/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 27, 2018

Joanne and I have been fans of the Minnesota LYNX, the four time champions of the WNBA, for several years. With her mobility issues she didn't get to many games. Often I'd ride a bike to Target Center to watch the game live, while she'd watch on TV. It was fun to compare what I saw with what the camera showed and she could add data from the announcers.
The WNBA plays a summer schedule beginning in May and ends with a championship series in early fall. This year Minnesota is hosting the All Star Game which is tomorrow. Four LYNX players are among the All Stars; Maya Moore, Rebekah Brunson, Sylvia Fowles, and Simone Augustus. It's a game that likely Joanne and I would have watched together.
The two All Star Teams held a practice, open to the public this afternoon and I got to go! Why? More kindness! Since Joanne's death friends have been especially attentive to me. J & J invited me to go with them and also bring a friend, so L accompanied us. J & J, avid KYNX fans and season ticket holders, have gone out of their way to give me care. Not only did L and I get to watch practice we got to hang out with J & J. Kindness abounds!

Blessings,

Al

7/26/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 26, 2018

To get to the gist of this post a bit of background story is necessary. Owning a bit of real estate in South Dakota, Joanne and I did some estate planning. For planning pusposes our real estate holdings were moved from a join trust to individual trusts. On one piece of property we had entered into a Federal Wildlife Easement for conservation purposes. Approached by the Fish & Wildlife officals we agreed to do a number of conservation practices for which we would be reimbursed. One example of a conservation practice was removing the pipes and plugging an abandoned well, to prevent surface pollution from entering the aquifer. Before we were reimbursed we'd placed this property in Joanne's trust. That legal change required re-signing all new documents. By the time that was done Congress had frozen the funds in this program. Therefore, twelve months later I still have not been reimbursed.
Then, Joanne dies. When I reported Joanne's death to the local Fish & Wildlife manager she explained that Congress had frozen the funds and that was why I hadn't been paid. Congress has now released the funds but they are only available until September 30, when the current Farm Bill expires. Because the land is again in my trust, all contracts had to be re-done for my signature. Concerned that time will run out before the paperwork is completed, she sprang into action on my behalf. Title changes, as in these trust adjustments, are filed with the county register of deeds. From there they are shared electonically with the USDA Farm Service Agency and the Federal Fish & Wildlife Service. They have been filed with the county but have not reached Fish and Wildlife, who must have a copy to make the changes to the contract. Concerned that it might take too long to receive a copy of the deed, the manager went personally to the resgister of deeds and paid for a copy to keep the process moving.
Such kindness reminds me of the goodness in people. She could have told me that I have to wait until the copy of the deed is sent to her office. But, when she heard that it had been filed with the register of deeds, she voluntarily went to retrieve it. With it in hand, she prepared the new contracts for me to sign, called me in to sign and said she'll expedite them on their way to the office that will make the payment. All of this transpired in less than 24 hours.
These are the experiences that give me hope in the midst of my sadness.

Blessings,

Al

7/25/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 25, 2018

There were seven of us at diner tonight. Most weeks, when I'm resident in The Little House on the Prairie, we gather for a family dinner at a local restaurant for a meal. A place and time are chosen and those who are available gather for food conversaton and laughter. Joanne loved these gatherings so, tonight, there was the presence of absence.
Many times Joanne was too busy to accompany me to The Little House. Then, after dinner as I was driving back to the house, I would call her for our end of the day chat. Tonight as I drove away from our family evening the reality of abcence struck, she's not there to call...another of those moments that remind me of how my life has changed. It is life after the divide; life with Joanne/life after Joanne. No, I do not like it any better, even as I have to learn to live with it. Family and friends make it bearable...such a blessing!

Blessings,

Al

7/24/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 24, 2018

The epigraph in the novel Indian Horses, Richard Wagamese, is a quote from Wendell Berry.

"I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world and am free."
Wendel Berry "The Peace of Wild things"
The first line struck me. "I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief...." Yes, we humans do "tax our lives with forethought of grief." When Joanne was first diagnosed with cancer last July she said "I don't want to die." That was a "forethought of grief." My reacttion was rather dismissive which she interpreted as my unwillingness to talk of death. This was a misuderstanding of my thought. Given the state of medical care today I assumed there would be successful treatment.
So we were both wrong. She was wrong about my willingness to talk of death and I was wrong about the result of her cancer. Would that it would have been opposite...I being unwilling and her cancer being curable.
Life is terminal. Perhaps without that realization our minutes, days, hours, and years would have less meaning. Yet, we worry about so many things, almost all of which never happen. "Teach us to number our days..."

Blessings,

Al

Caring Bridge 7/23/18

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 23, 2018

Joanne loved flowers and especially roses. When money was tight I often bought her one, long stemmed rose. All flowers were appreciated but roses were best. Lars and his family stopped at the Little House on The Prairie over night. They brought fresh roses to place on Joanne's grave.
After we had fed the camel...yes there are resident camels here which the girls delight in feeding...we went to the cemetery. There we visited Joanne's grave and, we each, placed the roses she loved on her grave. It doesn't take much immagination to conjure the depth of the presence of absence in that setting.
Burying her in this South Dakota cemetery continues to seem right. Most weeks during the warmer month I'm here and thus can visit frequently. Would I get to the cemetery as frequently if it were in the metropolitan area? I don't know but I wonder. Now it is time to get marker in place.

Blessings,

Al

7/22/2108 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 22, 2018

Traveling back in my mind to Joanne's days in hospice causes me to wonder. How, was it seemingly so easy, for her to let go of life. As Pastor Mary, pointed out, gratitude and fear cannot co-exist. Joanne was filled with gratitude and she was fearless. Yes, of course faith was much in evidence. Yet, I wonder that she so easily relinquished what might have been, the task, Pastor Mary said, came at this stage of life or dying.
Realizing that there was no hope either of cure, or prolonging life, it was a shock that she quickly absorbed and moved on. Within a couple of days she was at peace with her death. So, what I wonder about, how could she so quickly accept the reality of surrendering all that comes with earthly life?
This is not to say that she wasn't engaged in the moment. Shown the video of our congregation singing happy birthday to her on her Easter Sunday birthday, she remarked "I never knew dying could be so glorius." When Pastor Mary brought an Easter Serivce to our family and she asked for a volunteer to read the gospel, 9 year old Mai-Evy volunteered. As she read flawlessly, it was one of the few times Joanne cried during her dying. She eagerly delivered final messages, what she called her bucket list, to many family and friends. The messages that poured in via mail, Caring Bridge Postings and phone calls she consumed with deep joy and satisfaction. Yet, I never heard her grieve about all that she was losing.
So, these things I ponder knowing that there is no easy answer.

Blessings,

Al

Saturday, July 21, 2018

7/21/2018 Caring Bridge

Produce Made Me Cry

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 17 minutes ago

Saturday mornings in the summer means that it's Farmer's Market Time. Blueberries are in season as are strawberries. They get added to the daily bowl of cereal that makes my standard breakfast...OK, full disclosure...eaten with whole mile enriched with whipping cream. But, I digress.
It was a sunny, comfortable, morning at Minneapolis Farmer's Market. The aisles were full of people and the booths filled with beautiful produce and other delectables. Looking at the beets, green beans, peas, new potatoes and floweres made my eyes fill with tears. What is so emotional about vegetables? It's the memories of course.
Going to Farmer's Market on Saturday is a pattern that I have followed for years. Those are the vegetables I'd bring home for us to eat. Raspberries, which Joanne loved, would accompany the other berries. Usually, I'd also buy a bouquet of fresh flowers, but now I have no one at home for the vegetables and flowers. I eat my berries alone.
Today, it was at Farmer's Market when I encountered the presence of absence.

Blessings,

Al

7/20/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 18 hours ago

Today, with friends, we traveled to spend the day with D.K., at his lovely lake place. In the course of the day's conversation he reported that he'd asked a couple who have been married 65 years the secret of their marriage. The husband replied "It's important what you don't say." Profound isn't it?
That began some pondering for me. What didn't Joanne say in our 54 years of marriage, that preserved the harmony. This is tricky ground because stuffing feelings, or passively accepting wrongs,can lead to resentment which is toxic for relationships. There is a good reason that much emphasis in Alcoholics Anonymous focuses on avoiding resentment. Yet, much strife in marriage could be avoided by strategic silence. Let a little time pass and if it's only a momentary thing let it pass. If it's more than that, come back to it when emotions have subsided.

In many of my posts on this site I've referenced the presence of absence. This phrase entered my lexicon awhile back but it was not original with me. I found this quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay, "The presence of that absence is everywhere" in the book, Winter Grief, Summer Grace: Returning to Life After a Loved One Dies, by James E. Miller. S.W., kindly gave me the book early in my grieving process. The phrase now lives in me because it is so expressive of my experience.

Blessings,

Al

7/19/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 19, 2018

A friend remarked that I seemed sad. "Yes," I replied "I am sad, but I'm not depressed." With Joanne's diagnosis, illness and death I have been very, very sad. I still am. That reality of the presence of absence makes me sad, very sad. But I have not been depressed very much.
There is a difference. Depression saps energy and leaves me feeling like withdrawing, perhaps pulling the blanket over my head and just staying in bed. When I'm depressed I'm not interested in activities or being with people. It intrigues me that this, greatest loss of my life, hasn't sent me into depression, at least not yet.
Sadness, on the other hand, inhabits me. Those little occurrences, that I've referenced, that I'd like to share with Joanne, provide constant reminders of my loss. It just seems so outrageous that she is gone. There is nothing I can do about it, and that great hole in my heart, makes me sad.

Blessings,

Al

7/18/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 18, 2018

Now, over three months since Joanne died, life rolls along with some good rhythms. People, family and friends, continue to bless my life. There seems to be much to do. Boredom is not an issue. Yet, lurking in the background is this realization that I'm moving on, without her. A new story is developing that doesn't include her, which makes me sad.
Her last years were not easy. Back problems, mobility issues and a chronic, persistent cough made life difficult. Cough drops were in every purse, pocket, drawer, compartment in the car...testifying to her cough. Acid re-flux, asthma and allergies combined to create a perfect storm of coughing. It had to be terribly tiresome for her but she didn't complain a lot. Perhaps those health challenges, with endless doctors visits and therapy appointments, contributed to her peaceful acceptance of her impending death.
There is no doubt that she was more ready than I. With hospice, death and funeral rituals I tried to do things correctly; be deliberate, intentional, don't rush it, focus, avoid denial. Of course that has helped. It's just the reality, that she's gone and not coming back, that is hard to bear. That awful presence of absence.

Blessings,

Al

7/17/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 17, 2018

Over the years Joanne and I often discussed our charitable giving. Those discussions involved both the object of our giving and the amount we should give. Never, can I recall, her ever saying "that's too much" for any figure I would suggest. There were times she'd suggest more, but never less. Perhaps it was that generous heart that made her an effective fund raiser. Because she knew the joy of giving, it was easy for her to ask others to give. The second factor in her fund raising effectiveness was her deep commitment to the causes for which she sought funds. This combination of her own abundant generosity and working on behalf of causes in which she believed made her very effective.
Now, in the presence of abscence, as I contemplate giving I know what she would say, "do it", "do more", "yes". This is just one more way that her influence lives on.

Blessings,

Al

7/16/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 16, 2018

Today's visit to Joanne grave was in the old Ford F-250, pick-up truck in keep in Sinai. Driving to the cemetery in the truck reminded me of the time we lived in Mohall, N.D...1968-75. We had two cars when we moved there. Our second car was a 1954 Chevy that I'd taken over from my parents in 1963, when my Austin Heally didn's stand up to South Dakota winters. Sometime time after we arrived in Mohall the '54 Chevy's rear axle broke and we sold the car. This is where the Duck Truck comes into play.
Mohall is small town of just under 1000 population. Much of the time I biked around town on a fat tire bike I bought from Carl Aalund. Yet there were occasions when we needed a second vehicle. The duck and goose hunting around Mohall was very good, so what could be better to pursue that sport than a 1956 International Heavy Duty Pickup? ala "Duck Truck". Purchased from the local attorney, Erv Brendel, it served both as a hunting vehicle and a second "car".
Joanne had no qualms about driving it around town. Remember her 1960, Renault she bought in Norway? It was a stick shift, so shifting the Duck Truck was no problem for her. She did get quizzical looks and many expressions of sympathy when she was seen driving it. This just added to her enjoyment in using it. After all, this is the woman who drove Europe in 1960, and she saw using the Duck Truck as another adventure. Yes, she was a good sport!

Blessings,

al

Sunday, July 15, 2018

7/15/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 10 minutes ago

During the years I've been travelling to SE Asia, I would bring home silk products, scarves, pillow cases, table runners, hand bags and other crafts. It began innocently enough with two or three. Joanne had so much joy in giving them away that the volume increased significantly. This year I brought a whole bag full. But, shortly after I returned, Joanne entered hospice and...... So she didn't finish giving them away.
After her death I discovered that she had a stash of silk and other crafts accumulated over the years. I'll not want for hostess gifts for the foreseeable future. Because Joanne did not finish this task that brought her so much joy I, with a mixture of joy and sadness, will continue the tradition.
If you would like something from this collection please ask.

Blessings,

Al

7/13/18 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 9 hours ago

It's one of those days that Joanne would treasure. After a quick trip to farmer's market to get my berry stash...bought much more when Joanne was alive...I attended Dr. Lee Lillehaug's funeral. He was on the faculty of Augustana College for thirty-five years. That time spanned both Joanne's time on the faculty and her twelve years on the Board of Regents. When Joanne worked for LWR she visited the Lillehaugs in their retirement home in Edina. Dr. Lillehaug's son, David, was student body president at Augustana while Joanne was on the board so he attended meetings. Joanne later recruited David to be on a LWR Committee Joanne established.
Joanne would affirm my attendance at the funeral. It gave me the opportunity for good conversations. Small talk is not my gift. However, since Joanne died, with those who knew her, small talk is not necessary. Conversations quickly move to the significant, i.e., Joanne's death and my response to it.
Tom & Becky celebrated their 50th today with an open house this afternoon. Of course I went and Joanne would have loved it. Introverts, like me, relish significant conversations with a few people as compared with quick "Hi, how are you?" interactions. At the open house I was blessed with three deep conversations with five people. The experience at the funeral was replicated in that conversations quickly moved to the real stuff of life.
Returning home filled with gratitude for Joanne's fan club I moved to an evening with our granddaughters. She's missing so much!

Blessings,

Al

Friday, July 13, 2018

7/13/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 19 minutes ago

Having written so many times about the ( ) generosity I've experienced in this journey I'm running out of superlatives. Here is an excerpt from a letter from Jodi Harpstead, CEO, LSS MN.
"...I thought you would like to know that we (LSS) received 150 contributions totaling $11,400 that will go toward our Youth Services across Minnesota. (In memory of Joanne.)
Even as I mourn the loss of a beloved friend and leader Joanne, I celebrate the legacy you have built together. Lutheran Social of Minnesota would not be who we are without you. And Lutheran social ministry across the U.S. would not be what it is today without Joanne."
Joanne would be so pleased by this ( ) generosity benefiting homeless youth! She'd be grateful to the givers and happy that youth will be helped! Praise the Lord!
When Joanne would return from volunteers stints at LSS...at the front desk of The Center for Changing Lives, or, being grandma at the house for young mothers, or, meeting with governing board, etc...she would affirm CEO, Jodi Harpstead. Three of Jodi's characteristics, or gifts, were specifically mentioned; creative, farsighted leadership, her connection to the church, and her support of LSA, the national network of service organizations that Joanne helped to establish.

Blessings,

Al

Thursday, July 12, 2018

9/11/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 13 hours ago

Three months have passed since Joanne died. I perceive there is a difference in me. The difference is that I am less aware of the presence of absence. Perhaps it is not surprising that that brings an element of peace to my life. On the other hand, that provokes a sadness, as it seems I'm leaving Joanne behind. That, I do not like.
Early in Joanne's time of hospice, as I began to wrestle with conceiving life after her death, I wondered; a) how is should I live my life, and, b) how would it feel. We planned a European Riverboat trip from Prague to Paris for this summer. Departure was scheduled for July, 9, so we would have been on it now, had not death intervened. Joanne really wanted to visit Prague.
Wondering how to think about my life after her death, I raised the issue with my spiritual director; "What if I go to Prague in the future?" Always the fount of wisdom she said "Talk to Joanne." I know, I know...I could have thought of that myself. So I asked Joanne, "If I get to Prague some day do I need to feel guilty, because you never got there?" She laughed and said "Of course not, go." Then I said "maybe I'll go to Norway and visit our friends." "Oh, I hope you do, I want you to stay in touch with them."
With her words ringing in my ears I bought a ticket to Norway this week. I'll be there about ten days in the first half of October. For years I've traveled Asia alone but it feels different to go to Europe alone. Visiting Norway is riding her 'coattails' which, of course, is nothing new for me.

Blessings,

Al

7/10/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 10, 2018

Perhaps it's a theme of this Journal that hope comes to me through relationships. Everyday there are people who reach out to me one way or another. Those touches are life giving. Today one came to me via email from a dear friend who, out of her own experience, has reflected deeply on the nature of grief.
J. writes "For me, it has been helpful with both the death of my son and the gradual loss of my mom, ( Her mother has dementia recently diagnosed as Lewy Body.) to break down and label the absence and loss I'm feeling into two portions: the grief of missing what I had and loved and the grief of longing for what I did not have. I hear and appreciate both aspects of loss in your writing. I think everyone experiences both aspects of grief, but the distance in time from the death and the length of shared time may cause these two portions to fluctuate. The grief doesn't go away, but it does evolve."
Though I'd never thought of it like this before, she really speaks to my experience. Truly I grieve what Joanne and I had but is no more. Companionship is a good description of that loss. Also, I mourn that which Joanne misses in the change of seasons, the exchanges with family and friends, etc.
Yes, I grieve and mourn. Yet, at the same time, I am so blessed and am deeply grateful.

Blessings,

Al

7/9/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 9, 2018

Among Joanne's favorite annual Christmas gifts was a large calendar that, each month, included pictures of the granddaughters and the family. She used it to track her appointments, many of which were medical; doctors and therapists. Often she'd remark "I'm so tired of medical appointments."
After her death I began using her calendar. When I turned the page to 'July' for the first time there was no entry in her handwriting. There was only one in June. On Wednesday, June 13, she had noted, 8:20 lab, 9:15 Dr. Dick. Dr. Candace Dick was her cardiologist, who once told her to drink a glass of red wine and eat a dark chocolate everyday. Dr. Dick was a supporter of Lutheran World Relief (LWR) so Joanne would bring her LWR chocolate.
Seeing her final calendar entry mixes my emotions. On the one hand I can appreciate her freedom from endless medical appointments. How, ironic that her last scheduled event would be medical. But, on the other hand, the FINALITY of her last appointment, one that she was not here to keep, drives home the presence of absence.

Blessings,

Al

7/8/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 8, 2018

During Joanne's brief stay in hospice there were messages she wanted to deliver before she died. She called them her "bucket list." One message that was important for her was telling my family that she'd enjoyed her time with them. She was happy to be included in the family.
In less than a week she missed two family gatherings that she would have enjoyed. In S.D. on the 4th there was a birthday celebration for my nephew Neil's fiftieth birthday. It was very much the kind of gathering she'd enjoy.
Today, Neil hosted a backyard picnic for our family, who live in the Twin Cities. Fifteen of us gathered for a cookout, conversation and games. Perhaps the 90 degree temp might have been a bit high for her but in the shade with a breeze she would have made the best of it. No doubt, in spite of the temperature, she would have enjoyed herself. Meeting the two new boy friends would have delighted her, and, no doubt she would have charmed them.
The presence of absence again.

Blessings,

Al

7/7/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 7, 2018

Tonight I watched the Minnesota Lynx of the WNBA play. The game was not televised so I accessed it online with a WNBA League Pass. It wan't a good night for the Lynx. They've had an up and down season and tonight was one of those down nights.
Joanne learned to love women's basketball and we enjoyed watching together. When the Lynx won we could celebrate together. On nights like tonight, when they were not at their best, we'd commiserate. Because of her mobility struggles, I attended more games than did she. Sometimes she'd watch on TV at home while I attended the game. We enjoyed comparing notes; what I experienced in person compared with the observations of the announcers and the TV replays.
This is just a small example of the presence of absence. A presence which I'm beginning to learn to live with, now three months since she died.

Blessings,

Al

Friday, July 6, 2018

7/6/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 18 minutes ago

During Joanne's sojourn in hospice she was very clear of her choices for memorial gifts: The Homeless Youth Program of Lutheran Social Services(LSS), MN. and Grace University Lutheran Church. The response to these suggestions was amazing. LSS received over $8,000. and Grace University Lutheran over $3,000. In addition many gifts were given to other institutions.
Joanne would be so pleased and full of gratitude for such abundant generosity. Of course it is also a testimony to the number of lives she touched and the depth of those touches. The memorials given to the church will be used for the piano fund...the congregation needs a new grand piano and that, too, would please her. It was Grace' music program that convinced her we should join the congregation and she had great affection and respect for Steve Self, Minister Of Music.
Thank you for this affirmation of her life. Every effort was made to write an individual 'thank you' to all who gave. If you were missed, I'm sorry and please accept this 'thank you'. She and I were/are truly blessed.

Blessings,

Al

Thursday, July 5, 2018

7/5/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 3 minutes ago

I've never been alone in this journey, though, in many ways it is lonely. Every grief experience is unique, but the community of those who mourn Joanne's absence, is of great comfort to me. Often they offer perspective that speaks deeply to me. This is the case with this quote which was sent to me by our dear friend J.
"Grief I've learned, is just love. It's all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go." Jamie Anderson
I'll leave it at that.

Blessings,

Al

7/4/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 23 hours ago

Death is a topic much on my mind. A learning is how welcome it is to talk about Joanne since she died. Sinai, S.D., still has a traditional Fourth of July program, which acts as an informal homecoming time for those who have moved away. Today as I attended I found myself asking questions; "How long since your son died?" "Twelve years" answered one couple, "January" said a mother. "When did your husband die "Twenty one years ago and visitation was on July 4th. So this is always a hard time for me" said a widow.
Two possible reasons may account for reluctance to talk to the bereaved about their dead loved one. Perhaps that avoidance is fear of upsetting the bereaved by reminding them of their loss. Or, it could be that we are so uncomfortable thinking about our own death we just want to avoid the subject. Maybe it is a combination of both.
Experiencing Joanne's death has taught me to ask other's about their loss. No one has been upset by my questions. On the contrary, asking has led to deeply meaningful conversations that have provided the caring relationship that gives me hope.
Take a clue from me and try it yourself. Broach the subject of the bereaved's loss and see where it leads.

Blessings,

Al

7/3/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 3, 2018

Prowling the cemetery, I visit Joanne's neighbors. Many of them I know, and, if I don't know them I know the family. There are markers for infants, sometimes more than one in the same family. Children and young people are buried there, not to mention the middle-aged, old and very old. There are those who are very dear to me. Parents of beloved friends lie there. Some stones remember those who have no family geographically close. Some are names long gone from the community.
Those cold, hard stones tell stories of death and separation, to me, they ooze grief. Imagining the tears that were shed over the death and burial I am reminded of the poem by John Donne, "For Whom The Bell Tolls." "Don't ask for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee." He goes on to say if even a clod of dirt is washed into the sea the continent is smaller for it. When one dies we all are lessened. The cemetery reminds me of this.
In 1793 a terrible Yellow Fever epidemic struck Philadelphia. As the situation worsened churches were prohibited from tolling their bells at funerals. As if not annoucing to the public someones death would make things better. Death denial is still with us and time in a cemetery is a good antidote. At Zion Lutheran, Mohall, ND, the bell always tolled as the procession left the church for the cemetery.
With Joanne's death I certainly feel lessened.

Blessings,

Al

&/2/2018 Caring Bridge

Survivor's guilt?
Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 2, 2018

Survivor's guilt seems like something dramatic, like missing an airplance connection and the plane crahes. Or the entire platoon dies in a fire fight except for one person who lives to tell about it. But the world is filled with widows and widowers. I'm just one of a host of bereaved persons. Can it be possible that this unease I'm experiencing is really survior's guilt?
Day by day new experiences come my way. It seems so unfair that Joanne is left out of them. Why should I continue and she be absent? Something is unsettling me. Perhaps that is as it should be. The presence of absence is a huge deal so maybe it's just the new normal.
Sitting in my chair in 'the little house on the prairie' I look at her empty recliner. On the end table next to the chair is a picture of us on the Hurtigruten, the Norwegian mail boat. We'd taken the bus to Tromso and then rode the boat back down the coast to Bermsnes. 1993 I think. A wonderful trip that we'd hope to repeat but never did.
While she was in hospice I told her I'd like to go back to Norway. She said "O good, I hope you do." She wanted me to stay in touch with her, and now also my, Norwegian friends. Yes, I think I will.

Blessings,

Al

7/1/2018 Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Jul 1, 2018

"You are dust and to dust you shall return." How many time have I said that as I imposed ashes on someone's forehead? "Dust to dust, ashes to ashes" I've said countless times at committals at cemeterys in four states.
A common saw has it that a psychotic is one who doesn't know reality and a neuroritic is one who knows reality but it makes him/her angry. OK, so I'm neurotic!
There are WEEDS growing on Joanne's grave! Yes there is new grass, too, but WEEDS. What do they think they are doing? The nerve of them!
It is the weeds that make me think of "dust to dust." My head knows the truth about absence but my heart rebells against reality. Angry, I want to deny the truth, stop time, and go back to how we once were.
A very perceptive friend asked in reference to yesterday's post about feeling uneasy. She asked "are you feeling survivor's guilt?" Could that be inolved in my unease? Pondering......

Blessings,

Al