Different, Yes.......

"Grief never ends… But it changes.
It’s a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith…
It is the price of love."

Now as I approach 16 months in the land of grief, I can certainly see that grief changes.  The pain is not as intense; more an ache, a hollow, an emptiness than the searing pain it was at first. There is so much, so often, that I'd like to tell. Likewise there is so much, so often, I'd like to ask.  Some of what I suffer is regret, both for that which was not asked, and for what I've forgotten...those details of things she told me which I no longer remember. Now, for so much of it, there is no one to ask.  Maybe it shouldn't matter but it does to me and haunts me in the life I now lead.

Well, enough about grief.  The last two days have provided good opportunity for time in the field. Trygve found a big mud puddle in which to play this morning.  Lots of flowers and many butterflies busy with them. The grassland burned this spring is now lush with big blue stem grass over 6' tall.  That grass certainly responds to fire. Nestled among the grass is a bumper crop of milkweed...go Monarchs!

Hay bales on grassland (not the one that was burned.)

Hostas in front of The Little House

Logic? Really?

One of the big fallacies, by which we often live, is that we make logical decisions. Oh, sometimes we do, about small things.  However, most of our decisions are rooted in our emotions.  When Joanne and I were dating I didn't do a spreadsheet of her pluses and minuses to determine if I should ask her to marry me. The decision was based on my feelings, and then after the fact. came logical justification.  When I hear a friend explain the logical reasons for a new car the cynic in me thinks "were the ash trays full?"  😊 
      Decisions we reach based our feelings will not be changed by logic. The quote below speaks to this reality. L. K. Hanson, a St. Olaf graduate I'm told, regularly provides timely quotes published on the Minneapolis StarTribune opinion pages, as was the one below to today's paper.  This phenomenon is why arguing politics is usually fruitless. 
    "Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong.  When they are presented with evidence that works against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted.  It would create a feeling that is extremely uncomfortable, called cognitive dissonance. And because it is so important to protect the core belief, they will rationalize, ignore, and even deny anything that doesn't fit with their core belief."  Franzt Fanon  (1925-19610

   You may your own application to politics.

Takk for alt,

Al

Conrad Aiken wrote:
"All lovely things will have an ending,
All lovely things will fade and die,
And youth, that's now so bravely spending,
Will beg a penny by and by."

The First Thing.......

It is my 'ritual of arrival.'  Before stopping in front of The Little House I go to the cemetery to visit Joanne. Given the exceptionally wet summer her marker is always covered with grass clippings. The amount of debris that has accumulated in two weeks makes it look as if it's been a year.  Annual grave maintenance is totally inadequate...it is a must for me every time I'm here.  It's important for me but I also know Joanne would be pleased.  Having a place in which to do this ritual is helpful to me.  Her choice to be buried here makes me very glad.
   The Little House welcomes me.  After a good romp Trygve is curled up on his dog bed next to me. Joanne's empty chair faces me reminding me of the joy she found snuggled into it while reading a good book.  The Lazyboy fit her well and sometimes when her persistent cough kept her awake she'd leave her bed and sleep in it.  The presence of absence is poignant but there are many good memories to cherish...."no they cannot take that away from me."

Takk for alt,

Al

Rev. Richard Andersen 1/6/1946-6/2/2019

Did you notice the final e in Andersen?  That's a Danish spelling and Richard was proud of his Danish heritage.  We met him in 1988 shortly after we arrived back in Minnesota, he was our Lutheran Brotherhood agent. Soon we were friends. the three of us;  When Joanne was in Arizona for February she visited Richard in Carefree where he was Executive Director of The Spirit in the Desert retreat center.  Were she alive Joanne would certainly have grieved Richard's death and would have accompanied me to his memorial service held at Central Lutheran today.  His funeral service was held at Ascension Lutheran Church, Scottsdale, AZ., June 21.
     It would take a boatload of adjectives to describe Richard; talented, creative, courageous, gifted, compassionate, adventurous, positive, enthusiastic, optimistic, kind, connected....and the large crowd at the memorial service today is witness to the lives he touched. Rest in peace, dear Richard.

The comfort of having a friend may be taken away, but not that of having had one.

Takk for alt,

Al

Seneca

Don't go missing!

My parents always read the newspaper.  The Sioux Falls Argus Leader, daily, came by mail.  The Brookings Register also came by mail twice weekly.  My newspaper reading habit began, sprawled out on the living room carpet, reading the funnies.  Now I read the Minneapolis Star/Tribune daily as well as the Washington Post and Huffington Post online.
    The advice columnist, Carolyn Hax, is carried by both the Strib and the Post . Hax has an unusual ability to cut through he complexity of reader's dilemmas and give wise counsel. Consequently I always peruse her column to see what she has to say.
    Today a writer was seeking advice on a helpful response to acquaintances who expressed no sympathy after the suicide of the writer's sister.  This is Hax' response.
    "What a terribly loss, I'm sorry.
     "You're not alone in seeing some of your people vanish just as you need them most. Not by a long shot; such vanishing is a common and cruel byproduct of death in a culture where rituals are not universal, established and clear.
       "This is not to excuse anyone's silence, merely to explain it: it's actually a question I get fairly often, from people who don't know how to respond to someone's grief, then hesitate out of indecision and fear of missteps, then realize their silence has now lasted an unseemly amount of time,...
        "Deaths by suicide especially seem to trigger this kind of support paralysis. Again, cruelly so, since a compassionate universe would send more support for more complicated grief, not less.
          "Something else I see in your letter that suggests these people fell through this same uncertainty crack: You describe them as friends of proximity. They happened to join the same club, move to the same neighborhood, work at the same place, for their own reasons, and then found a nice acquaintance in you.  So they're going to care about you, but not necessarily feel comfortable side in a crisis, deducing you have closer friends for that."
    Hax goes on to say, don't withdraw and, allow others to say what they want to say. There is much wisdom in her response. Two lessons I've learned in the land of grief: "If you care be there" and "being there" can take many different forms; calls visits, cards, emails, etc., and, the words spoken don't matter much but the speaking does.  Hax is correct when she says that fear often keeps persons from responding.  It's the reaching out, in whatever form, that matters.

Takk for alt,

Al

From Writer's Almanac 7/2/2019

Yes

by William Stafford

It could happen any time, tornado,

earthquake, Armageddon. It could happen.

Or sunshine, love, salvation.

It could, you know. That's why we wake

and look out––no guarantees

in this life.

But some bonuses, like morning,

like right now, like noon,

like evening.

William Stafford, “Yes” from The Way It Is: New and Selected Poems.

Writing

The quote below is from:

(WWW.MENSGROUP.ORG – “ORIGINAL STUDY”)

"Based upon my own personal experience, losing a loved one is a very painful and conflicting experience for anyone to endure. In many ways, losing a loved one is more unbearable than being sick and dying ourselves.

When we lose a loved one, many tough emotions face us. For me, my emotions were raw and very confusing while losing several loved ones unexpectedly in my life. I had thoughts such as: What could I have done to help more? I should have said this or done that. Why did God do this? How can I endure the deep pain and hurt I feel? How will I survive on my own?

Writing down feelings and emotions often helps us see more clearly, thereby enabling us to identify our challenges and then attempting to overcome them. What emotions are you feeling?"

Who knew. that when I took over posting on Joanne's Caring Bridge site. that I'd be still writing it 15 months after her death. Writing has been helpful for me, Men's Group "Writing down feelings and emotions often helps us see more clearly..." Yes, this is true to my experience. Identifying feelings is not the most natural experience for me for which, in part, I credit my background. Blogging has helped me clarify my feelings and experience so that I can express them in writing. That has been good for me.

Moreover, writing on a public blog post has created a virtual community accompanying me in the land of grief. Comments, hearts, emails and conversations in response to what I have posted tell me that I am not alone. Not only do others grieve Joanne's death but, in their other losses as we share, I find comfort in their wisdom, compassion, attention and experience. A "great cloud of witnesses" bear me up with their presence. One friend said "Because I read your blog everyday, when I see you I don't need to ask how you are." Truly, I am blessed.

Takk for alt,

Al

Today's agitation: What questions do you need to ask while you can?

Resisting

Regular readers of my blog know that I often use the phrase "the presence of absence."  This was in a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay.  It is such an apt way of expressing the reality of life in the land of grief ( this phrase from a friend).  Grievers often talk about the little, unexpected occurrences which trigger episodes of sadness, i.e., the presence of absence.  There are times when I expect the absence to be profound that turn out to be non-emotional and then those, of which, there are many that catch me unprepared.   While I've moved far toward acceptance there is also that within me that rebels against the reality of absence. This spirit of rebellion is captured in this poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay.

"Dirge without Music

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.
Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, — but the best is lost.
The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.
Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned."

Takk for alt

Al

 PS A quote from Garrison Keillor; The Writer's Almanac 

"The absolute dumbest thing I’ve seen on Facebook is “Find out who you are and be that person and live that truth and everything else will come,” which I saw last week. Anyone who actually believes it should not be allowed to handle sharp objects. We are contradictions is who we are and we need to get them under control and learn to be of use to the world around us.

“Find out who you are and be that person.” That is exactly what our commander-in-chief has done and that’s why half of America is whooping and hollering — they love that he makes the other half of America grind their molars."