Why? Perhaps its a variety of discomforts. A person may fear intensifying the grief of the bereaved by mentioning the one who has died. It may be feeling at a loss of what to say. In some cases it's likely there is general uncomfortableness with death and dying.
This avoidance is not helpful to a dweller in the land of grief. It isn't complicated. Something as simple as "Tell me a story about Joanne?" or, "What was Joanne's favorite season?" "How did you meet?" "When do you miss her the most." "I remember when she...." etc.
Recently the Washington Post, carried a story about man who went public with his grief about the death of one of his twin sons ten years previous. It opened a floodgate of grief stories from others who were moved to tell their stories of loss. I'll reprint it so you can see for yourself.
A comedian wrote about his baby’s death on Twitter. Then hundreds poured out their own grief.
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November 20, 2019 at 6:00 a.m. CST
He wrote on Monday that since his son, Fisher Daniel Kayne, died — and Fisher’s twin survived — he’s found grief is a taboo topic “even in the era of the overshare.”
“It’s all very *sorry for your loss* and tilted heads and cards with calligraphy on them and whispering. we’re all on tiptoes all the time,” he wrote.
But grief is a “galaxy of emotions,” including anger and even some things that have made him laugh: “the funeral home handed us a receipt after our son’s funeral that said 'thank you come again’ at the bottom.”
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He added: “I bet you have a friend with a sad story also wants to share the not sad parts.”
One of his “not sad” parts is that his wife became a pediatric intensive care nurse after Fisher died of sepsis. “Can you believe it?” he wrote. “being around sick and dying children all day? healing/caring for them? she does that because of my son.”
Kayne offered “a plea: *ask your sad friend about the sad thing that you never talked about.*" He added: “grief is isolating, but not just because of the sadness. also because the sadness is the only part about it that anyone knows.”
He ended with, “if you are grieving, you are not alone.”
Twitter responded in full force with more than 140,000 people reacting, many sharing their gutting stories of loss and grief, and offering support for one another.
“Sending you love,” wrote one person. “That was a brave thread. We lost our eldest son, aged 10, 15 years ago in December and our youngest son, aged 12, 9 years ago in December. We need to talk about them and keep remembering them.”
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“Fisher is beautiful,” wrote another. “I’m sorry for your loss and your pain. My son died when he was 17. His name is Nick and he has been gone for 15 years. The wave of pain sweeps me away at the strangest times. We are in a special club, I guess." The Washington Post
Marilyn Sharpe added another powerful poem to our "geese collection." Thanks Marilyn.
The Journey
Above the mountains
the geese turn into
the light again
Painting their
black silhouettes
on an open sky.
Sometimes everything
has to be
inscribed across
the heavens
so you can find
the one line
already written
inside you.
Sometimes it takes
a great sky
to find that
small, bright
and indescribable
wedge of freedom
in your own heart.
Sometimes with
the bones of the black
sticks left when the fire
has gone out
someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.
You are not leaving
you are arriving.
has gone out
someone has written
something new
in the ashes of your life.
You are not leaving
you are arriving.
~ David Whyte ~
(House of Belonging)
Takk for alt,
al
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