Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Caring Bridge 5/23/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 10 minutes ago
    It seems I'm always aware of absence.  What differs is the intensity of that absence.  Recounting Joanne last days, her death, funeral and burial with my spiritual director, brought more tears than I've shed in many days.  Much of the emotion was in the recounting of all the blessings that came in Joanne's last days; the choir coming twice to sing, pastoral visits and the blessing of the body, Joanne's participation in our Easter/her birthday dinner, the cards, letters, visits.  Remembering how Joanne's needs were met by being home, not lingering, almost pain free and dying peacefully surrounded by her family, is a great comfort.
    Other times absence is less sharp while always present.  It is comforting to be with people who knew and loved her and who are willing to speak her name.  Yes, I am blessed for which I am deeply grateful.

Blessings,

Al

Tuesday, May 22, 2018

Caring Bridge 5/22/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 24 minutes ago
      Today, I was asked "You and Joanne had a good marriage, what made it work?"  It's a good question isn't it?  Was there a secret ingredient?  Perhaps there is a recipe that could be shared?  The best I could answer was that we shared our feelings.  That answer prompted this follow-up question, "Who led the sharing of feelings?"
       It wasn't easy to share feelings in our marriage, especially at first. There were long tortured conversations, sometimes long into the night during those first years.  Neither of us were raised to be open about feelings.  It wasn't natural for us.  Joanne was more willing to talk...no surprise there.  Likely, she led the sharing, but I do remember it wasn't always easy for her to own her concerns.
      With practice, sharing became easier as patterns and pathways of communications developed.  It is difficult to remain non-defensive, in a posture that really hears and understands what the other is saying.  But learning to be non-defensive was an important part dealing helpfully with feelings.  Sometimes. I would have to with-draw to think, to understand what I was  feeling. Joanne, on the other hand, liked  to come to her understanding by talking it out. It took awhile for us to learn how to accommodate these different styles.
     Did we have a perfect marriage?  Of course not.  But we did have a good marriage, one that gives me deep satisfaction as I cherish the memories.

Blessings,

al

Caring Bridge 5/21/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 23 hours ago
     The setting was spectacular, the food was sumptuous, the conversation scintillating and the people were four of our dear friends at dinner tonight.  Conversation ranged far and wide, fascinating stories were told, personal things were shared and Joanne was remembered.  It is deeply comforting to be with people who knew and loved Joanne.  Remembering her with others who knew her is life giving to me.
     Gentle readers, when you're with the bereaved don't hesitate to talk about the deceased.  Don't avoid mentioning the name and telling stories.  The bereaved person is likely pondering the presence of absence and would find comfort in knowing about others experience of the beloved.  It may be emotional to talk and hear about the one absent but it is good emotion that brings healing and peace.
     While still deep in my grief I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who care.  Yes, that caring is truly life giving.

Blessings,

al

Caring Bridge 5/20/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 20, 2018
There are funny little things about learning to live alone.  When I come home to a light that was left on, there is no debate about, 'who did it'.  Our default in the past was to blame Trygve (the dog). Now it's, "huh, look what I did."  With only Trygve and me here, why do I close the bathroom door?
     Then, there is the matter of proper attire...you know, what colors complement, which patterns can be worn together, etc.  Having the common male issue around the distinction between shades of green and blue, I now have no consultant.  No one says to me "We don't wear that tie with that..."  What's this "we" business, I used to think,but usually didn't say. "You're not wearing that are you?"  "Well of course not, I just planned to wear it for ten minutes before we left" was a thought better unsaid.  So here I am, without adult supervision...a reality that gives my children pause.
     Which brings us to today, when I proudly wore a Singha Beer, tee shirt, from Thailand, to church.  No one stopped me at the door with a rhetorical question about sartorial choice.  This may well have been the only time in my life I went to Sunday Service in a tee shirt.  Now, before any gentle reader who has 'fashion police' tendencies gets wrought up, I should explain.  Today, being Pentecost it was appropriate to wear red.  The only item of red clothes I own in that tee shirt and, I did wear it under a sport coat.
     What would Joanne say? Maybe, "O that Al" with a smile and shrug of her shoulders.

Blessings,

Al

Caring Bridge 5/19/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 19, 2018
     Do you remember that old conundrum "If a tree falls in the forest but there is no one there to hear it, does it cause a sound?"  This could lead to a lengthy discussion of the nature of sound.  For example, is sound the vibrations caused by a tree falling, or, is it what happens in the hearing mechanism of the hearer?  Whatever....
     This bit of trivia reflection came to me as I observed a spectacular sunset.  The golden sunset shown below a dark bank of clouds.  We settled on the 15th floor, downtown Minneapolis, because this prairie boy needed a vista to avoid claustrophobia. Situated on the peninsular end of the building we get almost a 300 degree radius in our view.  Beautiful sunsets are part of the deal.        
     Tonight, looking out the sliding glass doors to the balcony, I witnessed nature's show.  But, I was alone.  Could I enjoy the view without someone with whom to share it?   When "a tree falls...?"  OK, perhaps I'm over thinking this.  Of course I enjoyed the view while at the same time it reminded me of absence.  That, I suspect, is my future.

Blessings,

Al 

Caring Bridge 5/18/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 18, 2018
       So here I am, alone, in the Little House on the Prairie.  IBeing here is better than I expected and there is also an interesting learning.  Joanne loved it here.  She could connect with family, and in the peace and quiet of this little village, she could sit in her recliner and read all night.  She even loved the 'hand me down bed' from Sharon's mom.  Iv'e often been here alone with Joanne back in Minneapolis, though in the last year she'd come here more frequently.
       Coming here this week I wondered how it would be?  Would I just want to go quicly back to Minneapolis?  Here comes the learning.  Being here alone, now I feel less urgency about returning to Minneapolis.  When I was here without her previously, I was anxious to return to her.  Now I miss her equally in both places, so staying here alone is no harder than staying alone in Minnapolis.
       She is missing out on so much.  Tonight family gathered for dinner and  wesat and talked, told Joanne stories, laughed and shared for three and a half hours.  She would have loved it.  The presence of absence continues.

Blessings,

al

Caring Bridge 5/17/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 17, 2018
     That often used defense among siblings, "she/he started it", would also be a good summary of Joanne's life.  She was always starting things.  In our Mohall years, '68-'75, there were many children in our neighborhood.  With two of our own and a large recreation room often there were  many children in our house.  Joanne saw opportunity in this situation.
    Do  you want to guess what she did?  She convened a number of mothers, and with her leadership, they organized a day care.  Happy Day Care was formed and still operates today.  Push back?  Yes. there was plenty. Some even suggested it was Communism.  Others thought that mothers should just stay home.  You know the drill.  Nevertheless she persisted.  If my memory serves me, Ruby Walters was the first director.
   If I'd been more prescient I may have realized that it was in her nature to lead and that leading often meant starting new things.  Recognize a need, take action to meet that need, and start what needs to be started, was her way.  She's my loss, but much more that that, she's the world's loss.
   There is a way that I'd like to emulate her.  Perhaps with some effort and practice I can learn to be as grateful as she was. It is a worthy goal.

Blessings,

Caring Bridge 5/16/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 16, 2018
It was my first visit to the cemetery since the burial weekend.  Another 'Joanne day'; sunny, slight breeze, warm but not hot and the setting was peaceful...too peaceful.  I don't want her buried and resting. I want her alive and full of conversation.  Now I sit near her beloved recliner which sits empty.  Absence is so present on this journey.  
    Have you ever made egg coffee?  One of Joanne's students sent me a card and in it she wrote "Joanne taught me how to make egg coffee."  Isn't that sweet?  And, isn't it sweet that Peggy, shared that with me?  For 82 years Joanne did things to help others; big things and small things.

Caring Bridge 5/15/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 15, 2018
   Joanne had a passion for the cause of ministry to homeless youth.  Today, LSS held their Annual Luncheon to support this program. I brought an envelope filled with checks...memorial gifts given in Joanne's memory.
   She did some volunteer work at one of the LSS Homes for formerly homeless youth.  This home housed single mom's with their children.  Joanne would go and help with the children.  It was a physical challenge for her during her last years but she loved it.
   When the Sate of Minnesota accepted gay marriage, two active and beloved members of our congregation planned to marry.  Both David and John are collectors, as a visit to their house attests. Well established in life, they didn't want wedding presents.  Joanne suggested to them that they request wedding gifts, in the their honor, be given to LSS Homeless Youth Program.  They gladly accepted the suggestion and made a registry, from a list of what LSS needed for the program.  The result was a van load of items and about $1500.00 cash for homeless youth.  It was particularly appropriate becasue many of the homeless youth are LBGT.
    Yes, I am very proud of Joanne!

Blessings,

Al

Headed to SD tomorrow for the first time since Joanne's burial.

Caring Bridge 5/14/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 14, 2018
    For years, Joanne and I had the practice of spending an evening each week with our granddaughters through bedtime, so their parents would have a night out.  Last Friday I had that pleasure...while we all missed Joanne terribly.
    Today's mail brought a letter from our oldest granddaughter, Mai-Evy, age nine.  She said "Will you be here next Friday? With Trygve (the wonder dog)?  If you are going to be here that would be great.  Love, Mai-Evy."  It was a letter that helps heal a broken heart.
    Yes, I will be there this week, if not Friday, Saturday.  Perhaps there is no place where my grief is more raw than with Joanne's absence in the life of those girls, whom she loved so dearly.  It seems so unfair to them and unfair to her.
     Joanne didn't cry very often in those twenty-three days she was in home hospice.  One time she did was when Pastor Mary brought an Easter Service for the family.  Mary asked if some wanted to read the gospel and Mai-Evy volunteered.  As Mai-Evy read in a clear and steady voice Joanne wept.  A precious moment not to be forgotten.
      Joanne would be happy to know that I've not been forgotten...today; breakfast with a friend, lunch with another friend and happy hour with three other friends.  Yes, I am blessed!

Blessings,

Al

Caring Bridge 5/13/2018

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 13, 2018
    Joanne was always adamant that, on Mother's Day, there should be inclusivity.  For her, this meant birth mothers, adoptive mothers, birth mothers of adopted children, those who struggled with infertility, those who suffered miscarriages or have lost a child, surrogate mothers, those who act as mothers and, of course, grandmothers were included.   This value of her's is one piece with her choosing, "Children of the Heavenly Mother" as the choir anthem at her funeral.
     In speaking of that hymn, she would point out that all the images of God it contained were feminine images.  She would ask rhetorically, "So why should we sing 'Father' in this hymn?"  She liked the practice at our congregation of saying, "Our Father, our Mother, who art in heaven..." every time we say the Lord's prayer.
     There must have been slights, innuendos and other forms of sexism she encountered in her pioneering, professional life.  She almost never talked about them.  There was conversation about conflicts she encountered in her work.  These were always cast as differences of opinion or principal.  She did not choose to frame these disputes as a form of sexism.  But, it was clear that she was a champion of women's rights.
      Today was a very hard day for me. Her favorite chair seemed more empty than ever.  The presence of absence has hung with me from morning until night.  Our faith community, Grace University Lutheran Church, recognized that I was struggling and they responded with compassion.  The afternoon with my family was a gift and we did a beautiful litany in her honor.  I am so blessed!

Blessings,

AlBridege

Caring Bridge /12/18

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 12, 2018
It was an ordinary Mother's Day and it was an extraordinary Mother's Day.  As was our custom, we went to church in the morning.  Mid-afternoon we went to Lisa's, where the remainder of the family joined us for a cook-out.  As the 'locals' in the paper would have it "A good time was had by all."  Or, so we thought.
      Shortly after arriving home I answered the phone when Lisa called.  She asked "Is Mom alright?"  "Well, I think so, why do you ask?" was my reply.  Lisa and Lars had talked and they thought Joanne had been spacey...not as engaged as usual. I, too, thought she'd been a bit quiet.  "I'll talk to her and call you back" I told Lisa.
       Going to Joanne, I asked how she felt about the afternoon.  That's when things got interesting.  She didn't remember any of it, even with my prompting.  Showing no symptoms of a stroke; weakness on one side, droopy mouth, slurred speech, I still thought "stroke."
       Off we went to the emergency room at the University of Minnesota Hospital.  Being it was a major hospital a neurologist was available.  Lisa and Lars arrived and joined us before the neurologist came.  Joanne was taken for a brain scan and then brought back to the room.  Soon after that the neurologist arrived.
        He said there was evidence of her previous small strokes but nothing fresh. Then he began to question her. He said "Joanne what special day is this?"  Joanne thought hard for a moment, brightened and then said "It's the sixth Sunday of Easter."  She was always the 'church lady', and remembered that from the morning service.  The neurologist was a bit taken back and then pressed on to see if she knew it was Mother's Day...she didn't.
       His diagnosis was temporary global amnesia (TGA). It typically lasts ten hours, almost never happens again, and leaves no damage.  Joanne's TGA lasted from noon and about 10:00 p.m. in the emergency room she came out of it.  She had no memory of anything between noon and 10:00 p.m.
       This Mother's Day, her 'absence is going to be very present'.

Blessings,

al

Caring Bridge 5/11

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 11, 2018
     This quote of Edna St. Vincent Millay, found in the book Winter Grief, Summer Grace, which Sue W., gave me, speaks volumes to me.  Rattling around the condo alone has begun to seem something like normal.  Tonight I was at my son's house for dinner and to put my granddaughters to bed while their parents went out.  It's a routine that Joanne and I tried to do weekly.
     The 'absence' was particularly present.  The empty chair at the table, the little rolling stool she would sit on to reach the games on the floor, the rocking chair she'd use to read books as Sella fell asleep, all screamed "ABSENCE".  We all felt it. Yes, indeed "The presence of that absence is everywhere!"

Thursday, May 10, 2018

From Caring Bridge 5/10/18

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 24 minutes ago
     One of the happy surprises at the reunion of the seminary class of '68, yesterday, was seeing Pastor Allan Thorson and his wife, Iris.  Thorson graduated several years before I did so it was a happy coincidence to see him. Joanne would have been so interested.  In a previous post I wrote about Joanne and I travelling to Holden Village in 1963. Allan Thorson, then one of the pastors at First Lutheran, Sioux Falls, was also on that trip.  There was a power difference between us.  He was a pastor while I was lowly student and part time custodian at church. But, his presence on the trip was the source of much amusement throughout our marriage.
     What was funny, you ask?  Perhaps it was only my suspicion, but I suspected Joanne had "her eye" on this single pastor.  At Holden we were assigned to work groups for the mornings to do maintenance projects around the village. To my jealous eye it looked as if Joanne was happy to be in Thorson's  group.  With my interest in Joanne from my first meeting of her I soon asserted myself in our relationship.  Before we left Holden at week's end we had a budding relationship.
   I enjoyed teasing her about her "interest" in Allan Thorson but ending up with another Allan.  She never admitted to an interest in the other Allan, however, she never denied it either.  Joanne would have been interested the conversations of the two Allans who hadn't seen each other in 50(?) years.

Blessings,

al

From Caring Bridge

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 21 hours ago


      Today, Luther Seminary hosted a reunion for the class of 1968, my class, and I attended the reunion.  It is amazing old we look...at least the other's do.  One of my classmates is related to Joanne.  I knew  that he is, but had forgotten the relationship.  Fortunately, he was present today and I had a chance to ask him how they are related.  Simply put, Joanne's and David's grandfathers were brothers.  That makes them third cousins.
      While visiting with David I was reminded of an interesting family connection between Joanne and me.  After our engagement, Joanne and I traveled to Astoria, S.D., so I could meet her Grandmother, Mary Hanson.  While we were visiting with Grandma she brought out the family Bible, which contained Grandma's baptismal record.  It was recorded in Norwegian which Joanne was able to translate. So, what was so special about it?  Rev. Olai Bergh had baptized her at Singsaas Church, which is just south of Astoria. Special?  Yes, you see, Rev. Bergh is my grandfather, so, my Grandpa baptized Joanne's Grandma!
       About a month after our visit to Grandma Hanson, she died in her sleep.  Without that visit we would have never known of this connection.  Grandpa Bergh, was pastor of a church south of Volga, about 30 miles from Singsaas. Pastors were in short supply in the 1800s so he often traveled to other congregations.  Somehow Grandma Hanson knew that I was Grandpa Bergh's grandson.  My mother was the tenth of Grandpa's twelve children and that explains how my Grandpa was old enough to baptize Joanne's Grandma.

      I was asked if it was hard to go to the reunion in light of Joanne's death.  It wasn't particularly emotional.  What was very difficult was coming home and not having her present to hear my stories.  There was no one to tell...that was hard.

Blessings,

Al

An Adventure from Story Worth 5/10/18

It was 1962, June 4, to be specific, when I was discharged from the Marines at Camp Pendleton, CA.  My discharge came just after I returned from a year’s service in Asia.  Prior to the Asian deployment I’d had been stationed at Camp Pendleton, CA., for two years.  During those years I often spent weekends in Lakewood, CA., a suburb of Long Beach, with my cousin, Marjorie Dahl, and her husband Jasper.  With discharge in hand I took the familiar bus ride to Dahls.
       To make the journey to my home in South Dakota I bought in 1954 Austin Healey…a convertible, sports car.  When I reached the States after my overseas deployment I separated from my buddy, Ed Vens.  Ed had a year left of his enlistment and was assigned to duty at Treasure Island which was in the San Francisco Bay.  Before we’ separated  we’d made plans to visit the Seattle Worlds Fair. It was the long way home but I drove to San Francisco to meet Ed and,  after visiting my aunt and uncle Anna & John Anderson in Richmond, we drove to Seattle and the Fair.  Initially we followed the coast through the redwoods and then went inland up the interstate.
      From the Fair we went to Port Angeles, WA., to stay with my cousin, Leslie Negstad and his wife, Esther.  Leslie took us fishing for salmon on the Straits of Juan De Fuca.  Leslie rented a boat, attached his old two and half horse Johnson Motor, and we were off.  The winds were calm but there were huge ocean swells so deep that at the bottom we couldn’t see land.  Ocean freighters would pass us going to and from port.  Meanwhile we chugged along, trolling with our little motor.  Leslie caught a big salmon…15lbs. plus and I caught a 5 pounder, which was the largest fish I had ever caught.
       Leslie suggested that his sixteen year old son, Paul,  go with me to S.D.  Ed headed back to duty in California and Paul and I headed east, with Paul planning to spend the summer with me on the farm.  David, my farmer brother, had been called to active duty with his National Guard unit.  He and his bride, Jonetta, were at Fort Carson, Co.  So, for the summer of ’62 I was the farmer and when David returned in August, I moved with my parents to a house in Sinai. I stayed there, going to Augustana College, Sioux Falls, in September.
        Paul and I planned to drive night and day the sixteen hundred miles from Port Angeles to Sinai.  It didn’t go exactly as planned.  We were doing well when late in the day we blew a tire at Drummond, Montana.  We then discovered the spare tire was useless.  Drummond is a small town and the service station didn’t carry a tire that fit my Austin Healey.  The station ordered one from Helena saying it would arrive in the morning. This was prior to the advent of credit cards so travel was dependent on cash, and I didn’t have much, enough for the tire and gas to get us home.  To save money Paul and I sat up all night is a truck stop café.  In the morning the tire arrived, was mounted and we were on our way again.
          We entered South Dakota on Highway 212, through a corner of Wyoming.  Crossing the Black Hills,  we drove through Belle Fourche at night and it was raining very hard.  The rain continued as we drove east through the high plains.  West of Faith, South Dakota, the highway was flooded.  Stopping the car I watched the muddy water flowing over the road and  wondered if the road might be washed out.  As I was wondering, a pick-up truck passed me and drove through the water to the other side.
         “Aha” I thought “the road is intact” so I started across.  However, I hadn’t gauged the depth of the flood and soon the headlights of my low slung car were underwater.  All I could see in the dark was muddy water streaming past.  Worrying about being washed downstream I began steering the direction from which the water was flowing.  Then a huge flash of lightening lit up the countryside and I could see I was about to drive into the ditch.  Correcting my course I made it safely to the other side.
        Arriving in Faith I pulled into a gas station and opened the hood of the car.  The engine was covered with debris from the flood water.  The mystery is why the engine ran, essentially under water and the electrical system did not short out?  Had the engine died on that flooded highway?????   Water had even come in under the doors so the floorboards were flooded.  That was enough adventure!
        The rest of the trip was uneventful and we arrived at the farm in the morning to a warm reunion.  It was the first time I’d been home in twenty-two months.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

1960 Renault

     It is not clear if that Renault, Joanne bought in Norway, and drove around Europe was new or used?  Any Gentle Reader know the answer?  She had it shipped to New York, and her college roommate, Jenine, met her there and they drove it back to Minnesota.  Joanne told of having a front tire blow out as she was crossing a narrow bridge...I think in South Dakota.
     One of her favorite stories about the Renault involved getting her South Dakota driver's license.  After Norway and the European tour she settled at Augustana Academy, Canton, S.D.  To obtain that South Dakota license she went to Sioux Falls, for the driving test.  In 1960 there were not many small cars on the road in South Dakota. The official giving her the driving test was a large man who detested small cars.  Initially the testing went well, until she turned onto a one-way street and proudly drove it in the wrong direction.  Regardless of this infraction the tester gave her a pass on her exam. Joanne always assumed she was approved because the tester did not want to ride in the Renault again.
      The Renault was traded in on a 1962 Chevy II, which was the car Joanne was driving when I came into her life in 1963.  Her brother, Mark, had a couple of adventures with that car, but, that's another matter.

Blessings,

al

Guess who loved phone banking?

The cause mattered,but if it was a justice issue for Joanne, or a candidate for political office whom she supported, she was off to the races.  Her numbers were phenomenal.  She would come home from hours of making cold calls filled with energy and enthusiasm.  Her stories would be about minds opened, good conversations with persons who disagreed, and, always a count; 70, 65, etc.  Organizers recognized her gifts and would try to sign her up for their cause. 
      Hillary Clinton should have given her a shout out.  Night after night she went cheerily to make calls hoping Hillary would win.  Reaching someone who was crabby delighted her with the challenge.  She never reacted emotionally no matter how combative the person called might be.  In her mind she probably thought of that person as a friend who has yet to see the light.
      Her love of phone banking was totally amazing to me.  I would schedule a root canal if that was the only way I could avoid phone banking.  Ah, yes, opposites attract!

Sunday, May 6, 2018

Sign? or Coincidence?

 It is my custom to go to church on Sunday, so, that is what I did today.  Life is made up of habits, and, one of mine is to look in the front of the hymnbook I'm using, to see who gave it.  Opening to the front of the book today this is what I read "Given In Memory of Rev. Oscar C. and Myrtle Hanson by Allan and Joanne Negstad."  Well, of course I teared up as I thought about Joanne's parents and much more.
    My head tells me "it was just a coincidence" while my heart says "it was a sign."  If a sign, then a sign of what?  That I'm not alone?  That Joanne is now a part of "that great cloud of witnesses?"  Whichever it was, I was moved and now hours later I get misty thinking about it.
    Poignancy reigns.  Attending a book club this afternoon, in our former neighborhood in Golden Valley, was walking into an atmosphere of support that was palpable.  The book under discussion, Behold the Dreamers, Imbolo Mbue was selected by Joanne.  It had been given to her by M.J.V., who kept Joanne in reading material.  It is a very good book but Joanne....you know the rest.

  Blessings,

Al

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Paper's Obituary


Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 1 minute ago

http://http://www.startribune.com/joanne-negstad-lutheran-social-service-executive-dies-at-82/481684401
   
     Gentle Reader, if you click on the link above it will lead you to the obituary the paper wrote and published of Joanne.  It says Joanne was Dean Of Students at Augustana college.  That is not correct.  She was Dean of Students at Augustana Academy and Director of Student Activities at Augustana College (now University).  The biggest omission is omitting her role in founding Lutheran Services of America. of which she was President/CEO and was her crowning achievement.  However, the paper was more interested in her work in Minnesota.
    It is satisfying that they recognized and acknowledged her achievements.  I've always been so proud of her and I'm gratified that other's have seen how special she was.


Blessings

al

What I am learning.

  Joanne's death on April 12, was preceded by a quick, rapid decline which was preceded by a slow diminishment of her strength over the last few years.  Back troubles, small strokes, a serious concussion from a fall, and a persistent, chronic cough made life increasingly complicated. She often said "I'm so tired of going to medical appointments."  The stokes, head injury and extensive exposure to anesthesia during fourteen surgeries may have been the cause of some short term memory loss which really frustrated her. 
     Her limitations led us to rearrange household duties.  It was a gradual change, but the result was that, folding the laundry was the only duty she maintained.  Therefore, on a practical level life hasn't changed much for me.  That eases one phase of my adjustment.
     Where my tears surface is when something happens that I want to tell her about and can't.  I can tell other's but that requires a whole explanation of the context of the event so they can grasp the significance.  But, even then, it lacks her perspective and response.  That absence is what I'm going to have to learn to live with and, needless to say, I don't like it.

      People have not abandoned me and for that I am deeply grateful.

      Blessings,

       al

Friday, May 4, 2018

Survivor's guilt? Grief?

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — 22 hours ago
       Spring is suddenly bursting out just a couple of weeks after our biggest snow storm of the season.  The grass is green, flowers poking out, birds nesting it all struck me with the joy of spring.  
Then it hit me...Joanne isn't here with me to enjoy it! As the emotions welled up in me I wondered, is that guilt that I get to enjoy it, mixed in with my grief. It just doesn't seem fair that, after another long winter, she's not here for the bloom of  spring.
        Three weeks ago today she died, peacefully, without pain, at home and without pain. She hoped to die quickly and she did...23 days in hospice care.  A good woman who died a good death  O how I miss her!

Blessings,

al

Tear on the road to Mohall.

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 2, 2018
      "You're gong where?"  "You really want to do that?"  "Where did you say it is?"  The reactions were from her colleagues in the counseling office at St. Louis Park, High School, who reacted as if we were going to the end of the earth.  Mohall, North Dakota's locating is easily identified as near the geographical point where North Dakota, Manitoba and Saskatchewan meet.  But, the reaction of those friends of hers unsettled Joanne.
     Then came the day we were to make the drive to Mohall. It's about 600 miles from Minneapolis.  It was July, 1968, and the car we were driving was '66 Pontiac, so that was not a problem.  As we were driving west of  Carrington, N.D., with Lisa sleeping peacefully in the backseat, Joanne became increasingly quiet.  Glancing over at her I saw a tear roll down her cheek. "What's the matter" I asked. She replied "There's nobody here. We haven's met a car in 20 miles."  The dire predictions from her former colleagues, that were going to the end of the earth, appeared to her to be real.  
     The rest of our discussion I've long forgotten. However, we didn't travel very far before we came to a road construction sign that explained the lack of traffic.  Apparently we'd missed the 'ROAD CLOSED", sign which explained the dearth of cars. 
     We had a good laugh, Joanne relaxed and embraced life in Mohall, where we had over seven good years.  

Blessings,

al

False alert I posted yesterday about today.

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — May 1, 2018
Editor's choice to delay, I assume.  The Minneapolis Star/Tribune has been researching Joanne's life in preparation for doing a feature article on her.  Daily, they print a obituary they produce, of a notable person who has died.  The journalist working on Joanne's story told us that it would run today (Tuesday).  It did not appear and then we were told they will run it on Friday.  They are placed in the Minnesota Section on the obituary page and typically are a third to half a page.  We don't know how they chose to feature Joanne.  If you get the paper look for it, but, I'll attach it here for those of you who do not get the paper.
    Joanne had twin recliners...brown, fuzzy, Lazyboys.  At farm sale in S.D. one came up for sale.  The auctioneer started bidding at $20., I raised my hand and the bidding stopped. If I hadn't been so eager I might have gotten it for $10.  While it was dusty it looked like it had never been used.  It was installed in the Little House on the Prairie. 
     With retirement Joanne's life really changed.  She slept later and became a voracious reader...reading was something she seldom did while she was working. Sitting in one of her recliners she consumed a  couple of books per week.  Reading in S.D. was a favorite activity.
     One night in S.D. she began reading the book, Cutting for Stone.  Without any need to arise at a particular time, she would read after I'd gone to bed, and, that was the case when she was reading Cutting for Stone.  Totally absorbed in the story she read on until she heard an unusual sound. Putting her book down to listen, it dawned on her the sound was birds singing...she had read all night! 
     How am I doing?  Perhaps as well as one can expect under the circumstances.  In my spare time I read with three groups of elementary students.  These are the best readers in their rooms who need enrichment.  During Joanne's illness and death I was absent from school, and knowing about my loss, they and many of their classmates made sympathy cards for me.  One 5th grader wrote "One someone close to you dies it is like having a limb cut off."  Ah..the wisdom of youth!

Blessings,

Eighteen Days!

Journal entry by Joanne Negstad — Apr 30, 2018
     Eighteen days, but who is counting?  The days Joanne was in hospice were a blur.  A rhythm was impossible becasue she was changing daily.  On her final morning I checked the date and asked "what is special about April 12th?  Joanne shrugged her shoulders in response.  Less that four hours later she was dead.  Never again will I need to ask about April 12th.
     Now eighteen days later I find Joanne stories stacking up in my brain.  She left a legacy.  After her committal service Jim Schade reminded me of one piece of her legacy.  When Joanne was president of LSS of South Dakota she brought together church leaders, including the ELCA Bishop of S.D.  With Joanne's leadership "Lutheran Planned Giving of South Dakota" was founded.  It is a vehicle for encouraging legacy gifts to S.D. Lutheran Institutions.  Jim told me that Lutheran Planned Giving has now raised twenty three million dollars.  It is comforting to know that Joanne knew, of this success. Yes, legacy indeed.
     Gentle readers, try to get a copy of tomorrow's (Tuesday, May 1) Minneapolis Star/Tribune and check the page that has obituarys.   I'll say more about this in my post tomorrow.

Blessings,

Al