Not a "Slam dunk!'

  As we were driving home today I was remanded of the men "on the road to Emmaus" who were pondering in their hearts all the things that had taken place.  L and I were also pondering what has transpired in the seventeen days since Joanne died.  A very common pattern for a funeral is that the burial happens immediately after the funeral.  Sometimes it goes like this. A person dies and 3 to 5 days later the funeral is held, followed by immediate burial.  When I've been a mourner in that circumstance I've been numbed by grief, immersed in the funeral and the committal at the cemetery happens in a blur...sort of a 'slam dunk.'
     Joanne died April 12, her funeral was April 21, and her burial was April 28.  With nine days from death to funeral and seven more days to burial I found grief to ebb and flow.  The grief was intense at death, again at the funeral and once more at burial.  Will that deliberate pace help our adjustment in the future?  I hope so.  Perhaps the spacing of these events will help in our recovery.
     While the loss of Joanne is a deep wound, the attention of so many to our pain with prayers, messages and other forms of support is something I wish every bereaved person could experience.  We are truly blessed.  Thank you!  

Al

Leaving is so hard!

   It was a perfect Joanne weather day; full sun, a little breeze and temps in the 50s.  The service was well done, Brother Mark was eloquent and a crowd of supportive people came. The reception at church was very helpful for conversation and story telling. What more could I ask?  I am so blessed.
       So why does it feel so wrong to leave her here?  

Time lag.

We visited the cemetery tonight.  It is quite large, surrounded by a double row of Norway Pine and very beautiful. I'm very pleased that we will be buried next to my grandparents, neither of whom I knew.  Lars died in 1919 of diabetes, just as the role of insulin was becoming clear.  Sigrid, died in 1937, one year before I was born. There is a large granite stone inscribed NEGSTAD, with smaller markers for Lars and Sigrid.
    Many of the persons buried there are known to me and I know the families of almost all even if I did not know some of the individuals.  A church stood in the cemetery until a new one was built in 1950, in Sinai a half a mile away.  In 1907 the train tracks were laid where the town now stands and the town was built by the railroad.  As a child attending that church I remember Sunday School in the summer because the church was small and cold in the winter.  Often our classes were held in the grass between the tombstones.
     Tomorrow Joanne will be laid to rest next to my grandparents, awaiting my turn to join her with them.  Surreal...it seems so surreal.  We've not rushed anything.  By modern standard, we've been very deliberate...now fifteen days since Joanne died. But so much of me is not ready for the finality of this goodbye.  How can it be, that almost fifty four years have passed since we said "I do."  Gentle readers, try not to take the time you have for granted.  "The grass withers, the flower fades, the wind blows and knows it's place no more..."
    I guess that's all I can say.....

Interesting Burial Twist

Sinai Lutheran Church, Sinai, S.D., may be unique.  No one to whom I've spoken has heard of another congregation that give daughters and sons of the congregation, burial plots when they are ordained.  What made the gift especially meaningful to us is the message that accompanied it.  At my ordination a representative of the congregation approached us and said "Likely you'll move around in your ministry, but, this will always be home.  Therefore, the congregation is giving you two burial plots in the cemetery."  Any Gentle Readers ever hear of another congregation doing that?
    Over the years Joanne and I thought about this offer.  When our children did not object we decided that we'd be buried there.  Many years ago the cemetery administrator asked if we'd like to be buried beside my Uncle, Henry Negstad, and his wife Inga.  They had no children so it seemed logical to use the plots next to them.  That was the plan until today.
   Today my brother, David, met with the current cemetery administrator to make arrangements.  That's when things got interesting. It tunrs out that Inga is not buried beside Henry but at his foot.  Likely the confusion occurred because Inga was buried in the winter and the wrong grave was opened.  However, this need not change our plans.
    David, went on.  There is another option.  Our Grandfather, Lars Negstad and his wife Sigrid, are also buried in the cemetery, and there are  six additional places in that plot.  For years there was a huge evergreen tree on the plot which likely deterred other burials.  So, that is where Joanne will be buried, as will I, when my time comes.
    Joanne and I had planned to have our marker chosen and installed but we never go around to it.  Some times there is a reason for procrastination.  Had it been installed it might have limited our choices now.  There is a huge granite stone on my Grandparents site: NEGSTAD.  Any marker we choose will need to coordinate with that.
    This whole scenario leaves me a bit unsettled.  Joanne and I had often visited the site at which we planned to be buried.  Now, without consulting her I made a change.  One part of me knows; she would have gladly made the switch had she been asked and now that she's gone she beyond such minor details.  Still if feels odd.
    From Joanne's current location I hope she knows how well I'm being cared for in her absence.  Bless you!

"You'll enjoy it!" he said.

    "Take care of Al."  I wonder how many people Joanne told that to, after she knew she was dying.  Two people today, one at breakfast and one at lunch, accepted that  charge.
      As we were finishing breakfast S asked me "What are you doing tonight?"  After a moments thought I replied, "I have no plans."  S said "We're having an open meeting tonight. Why don't you come? You'll enjoy it."  He went on to explain that every Thursday there's an open AA meeting at Hennepin United Methodist Church attended by about 300 people.
      He was right, I did enjoy it.  The personal stories of persons achieving sobriety through AA were inspiring.  Birthdays were celebrated, but the anniversaries  marked, were years of sobriety. One young woman reported a year, and she was accompanied by her family with whom she's trying to rebuild trust.  There was one candle on her cake, which she blew out, before briefly address the group.  The oldest, i.e., longest sobriety, marked thirty one years.
      As I entered greeters, a dozen maybe, lined the hallways and their welcome felt genuine.  Honesty is a must for recovery.  That resonates with me. Once asked in a group setting to write my personal mission statement, I declared mine as, "Better living through truth."  It is something for which I strive, but you, Gentle Reader, may be the best judge of my success. 
      Tomorrow I will make the familiar drive to South Dakota.  It will be my first return to our "little house on the prairie".  I'm very grateful that I will not be in the house alone.  Lisa will be with me the first night and Lars and his family the second night.  Joanne had twin Lazy-boy Recliners, one in our Minneapolis Condo and another in the "Little House".  Seeing it empty will be hard. In a future post I'll tell an amusing story about her in the S.D. recliner.

Parsonage Parties

Joanne loved entertaining.  She set a beautiful table, and, while she wasn't at all sure, she was a good cook.  Flaming extrovert she was, there could never be too many people.  She loved Parsonage Parties.  My first "call" took me to Mohall, N.D.  I like to describe it as where Saskatchewan, Manitoba and North Dakota meet.  It was a great place to begin ministry and begin a family...actually, Lisa was born nine months before we got there.  With a population of about a thousand it was a vital center with a small hospital, the county seat, a variety of stores and viable school.
     About four times a year we'd host "Parsonage Parties" for the community youth.  We lived in the parsonage...church owned house, which was new when we arrived in 1968...one door from the school.  One night, all the students from the high school would be invited to our house (the parsonage) after a local football or basketball game.  On another night, all the junior high youth from the school would be invited.  There was a large rec room in the basement and a good sized living room/dinning room upstairs.  We'd close off the back of the house so our children could go to sleep. 
    Of course Joanne would feed them all.  She'd bake buns, slice them in half, put cheese and bacon on them and bake them in the oven.  With attendance running from sixty to ninety much food was consumed.
    A garage band would play in the basement.  One night a neighbor across the back alley called to complain about the loud music.  About 11:00 (?) the party would end.

    Tonight a friend told me about a woman who lost her husband.  The woman said "It took a year before I began to feel like I was living my life."  The period of time may vary but the idea resonated with me because it doesn't feel like i'm living my life now. 
    Tonight for the first time I sat in my chair in front of the big TV.  Next to it is Joanne's empty recliner.  While it felt weird, it was tolerable.  TV isn't much a part of my life but we would watch some sports together.  

Support keeps coming...know that it is greatly appreciated!  Thanks!

Eulogy from Joanne Negstad's funeral 4/21/18

Prologue

On behalf of my family I want to thank Mary, Mark, family and friends for their visits and support.  Thanks, too, for all the letters, cards and Caring Bridge posts which Joanne eagerly read.  Thanks to Pastors Mary and Melanie, for their visits and Pastor Dan for presiding today.  Twice the choir came to sing for Joanne and they sang her funeral hymns…she loved it! for that, and singing again today we say heartfelt thanks.  To choir director and organist, Steve Self, know that Joanne was your biggest fan who loved you for your grace and your music. She asked to see one thing on her last car ride; this church. Members of Grace, who have supported us in countless ways including all the help yesterday and today, bless you.  When shown the video of the congregation on Easter singing Happy Birthday and the blessing song, Joanne said “I never knew that dying could be so glorious!”

Joanne Elizabeth Negstad

April 1, 1936- April 12, 2018

   Let’s think together about Joanne’s life and influence.  Caring Bridge posts, cards and letters have poured in echoing a theme “mentor”  “role model” “pioneer”, over and over again, literally over one hundred of these.  Many of them from people who were surprises to her—she had no clue that they considered her a role model, mentor or pioneer.  She influenced them so they touched others, who in turn touched others, and on and on and on.  Think of the vast network spreading out from her, throughout the world and to multiple generations. She had a huge impact on this world, for the better. It is a web of truth and beauty spreading far and wide.  Yes, she has died, but consider her influence that goes forward and into future generations, a form of immortality! 

    This excerpt from one of the cards she received is a good illustration of her influence.

            “Dear Joanne

                        I don’t  know if you even remember who I am…I’m from your Sioux Falls days (1975-80)…I just thought you were coolest most ‘un-pastorish’ wife I’d ever met, and I mean that in a totally good way. You were kind and good, but you were also strong and intelligent with your own opinions and thoughts which you weren’t afraid to voice in a most appropriate way.  I really admired you and always will.  You taught a class on assertiveness that I took and it changed me forever!...You taught me a way to communicate that was fair, honest and direct without being hurtful or mean spirited.  It added a dimension to my perspective that I use to this day and it has make a great deal of difference in my life….I wanted you to know you touched my life!  You were a mentor who made a difference.  Thank you, love and hugs,   (Signed) Suzy Blake”

     Suzy was one of the hundreds mentored by Joanne. 

     In a profound, poignant letter to Joanne, her brother, Mark, wrote…

            “It has been amazing to have a big sister who is attentive to personal relationships while also serving as such a phenomenal public leader.  You have taught me so much about both.  As a leader you energize people with our vision while modeling collaborative leadership, honoring the gifts and dignity of each person with whom you serve. In often heard conversations extoling your gifts for leadership, I was always proud to add, ‘Yes, and she is my sister.’  Okay, truth be told, I would say older sister!  We received gifts for leadership from our parents but you have added your unique ‘Joanne imprint’ that will never be fully replicated, yet will serve as a model and inspiration for many to come, just as it has for me all these years.”

            Mark adds…

            “And now you are teaching me what it means to go on our final baptismal journey of dying in the faith of Jesus.  You are dying as you have lived—with grace and gratitude abounding, with love abiding, with tears flowing, not out of fear of death, but as a sign of how much you have loved life and family and friends, and how much we love you and the greatness of the loss we face.  Jesus said, ‘I come that you may have life, and have it abundantly.’   Joanne, you always have and will continue to embody what it means to live an abundant life with grace and gratitude.  I will miss you as I continue thanking God for you.  I love you, Mark.”

      We living in a vast and expanding universe and it seems we are but specks of cosmic dust.   But, God has called us to be co-creators of this world we inhabit.  Joanne’s life was a world of positive, life affirming co-creation of a better world.

      Her career took her to Norway to start a congregation, to teach at Augustana Academy and Augustana College in her work of co-creating a better world.  She counseled students in St. Louis Park, worked for three Lutheran Social Services, helped found Lutheran Services in America and finished her work life with Lutheran World Relief.  Testimonials to her co-creative work pour in from all those places.

      At her 75^th birthday celebration her college roommate and dear friend, Jenine Jordahl, addressed those in attendance and in her remarks said, “Joanne is a people connector, and, she stays in touch.”  That was a very astute observation because Joanne was tickled any time she connected people.  Her ‘staying in touch’ was evidenced by the 20-30 greeting cards she sent every month.  She had many good friends in whom she took delight…and in retirement had time to spend with them.

       It all began, for Joanne, in a family with a passionate love of God, who nurtured her to be a force for good. That passion for God, translated into a passion for the good of people. Her father, Rev. Oscar C. Hanson, and her mother Myrtle, loved and nurtured their children, Joanne, Mary and Mark, not only to be people of faith, but to be leaders in co-creation of a better world.

     Joanne, in turn nurtured her children Lisa, Lars and foster daughter Cathy, in love and faith.  She had high expectations for them, sometimes frustratingly high, but there was no doubt about the depth of her love for them, and it was a very conscious, unconditional love they experienced.  Their favorite nick-name for her was ‘affirmo-mom’, because Joanne was always ready with affirmation.  She welcomed Melissa, her daughter-in-law, into the family with open arms and unconditional love. Joanne was absolutely joy-filled with the birth and lives of her granddaughters, Mai-Evy and Sella.  We’ll never forget the image of her sitting on a little rolling stool in the living room playing, Go Fish, and other games with them.

      To me she was wife, lover, companion, good sport, partner in adventure, creative presence, encourager, fount of wisdom and good cheer, travel partner soul mate and always ready to hold up her end of a conversation.

      May God bless the memory of Joanne Negstad, good and faithful servant.